Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, THE TALE OF THE T -- D, by THOMAS SHERIDAN (1687-1738)


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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

THE TALE OF THE T -- D, by                     Poet's Biography
First Line: A pastry-cook once moulded up a t --
Last Line: Like weeds on dunghills, stinking, rank and sour.
Subject(s): Cooking & Cooks


A pastry-cook once moulded up a t --
(You may believe me when I give my word)
With nice ingredients of the fragrant kind
And sugar of the best, right doubl' refined.
He blends them all, for he was fully bent
Quite to annihilate its taste and scent.
With outstretched arms, he twirls the rolling-pin,
And spreads the yielding ordure smooth and thin,
'Twas not to save his flour, but show his art,
Of such foul dough to make a sav'ry tart.
He heats his ov'n with care, and backed it well,
But still the crust's offensive to the smell;
The cook was vexed to see himself so soiled,
So works it to a dumpling, which he boiled;
Now out it comes, and if it stunk before,
It stinks full twenty times as much, and more.
He breaks fresh eggs, converts it into batter,
Works them with spoon about a wooden platter,
To true consistence, such as cook-maids make
At Shrovetide, when they toss the pliant cake.
In vain he twirls the pan; the more it fries,
The more the nauseous, fetid vapors rise.
Resolved to make it still a sav'ry bit,
He takes the pancake, rolls it round a spit,
Winds up the jack, and sets it to the fire;
But roasting raised its pois'nous fumes the high'r.
Offended much (although it was his own),
At length he throws it where it should be thrown;
And in a passion, storming loud, he cried,
"If neither baked, nor boiled, nor roast, nor fried,
Can thy offensive, hellish taint reclaim,
Go to the filthy jake from whence you came."

The Moral
This tale requires but one short application:
It fits all upstart scoundrels in each nation,
Minions of fortune, wise men's jest in pow'r,
Like weeds on dunghills, stinking, rank and sour.





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