I MAY as well Proceed to tell About a Mister Higgs, Who grew quite rich In trade -- the which Was selling pork and pigs. From trade retired, He much desired To rank with gentlefolk, So bought a place He called "The Chase," And furnished it -- old oak. Ancestors got (Twelve pounds the lot, In Tottenham Court Road); A pedigree -- For nine pounds three, -- The Heralds' Court bestowed. Within the hall, And on the wall, Hung armour bright and strong. "To Ethelbred" -- The label read -- "De Higgs, this did belong." 'Twas @3quite@1 complete, This country seat, Yet neighbours stayed away. Nobody called, -- Higgs was blackballed, -- Which caused him great dismay. "Why @3can@1 it be?" One night said he When thinking of it o'er. There came a knock ('Twas twelve o'clock) Upon his chamber door. Higgs cried, "Come in!" A vapour thin The keyhole wandered through. Higgs rubbed his eyes In mild surprise: A ghost appeared in view. "I beg," said he, "You'll pardon me, In calling rather late. A family ghost, I seek a post, With wage commensurate. "I'll serve you well; My 'fiendish yell' Is certain sure to please. 'Sepulchral tones,' And 'rattling bones,' I'm @3very@1 good at these. "Five bob I charge To roam at large, With 'clanking chains' @3ad lib.@1; I do such things As 'gibberings' At one-and-three per gib. "Or, by the week, I merely seek Two pounds -- which is not dear; Because I need, Of course, @3no@1 feed, @3No@1 washing, and @3no@1 beer." Higgs thought it o'er A bit, before He hired the family ghost, But, finally, He did agree To give to him the post. It got about -- You know, no doubt, How quickly such news flies -- Throughout the place, From "Higgses Chase" Proceeded ghostly cries. The rumour spread, Folks shook their head, But dropped in one by one. A bishop came (Forget his name), And then the thing was done. For afterwards @3All@1 left their cards, "Because," said they, "you see, One who can boast A family ghost Respectable @3must@1 be." When it was due, The "ghostes's" screw Higgs raised -- as was but right -- They often play, In friendly way, A game of cards at night. |