Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, ANIMAL MAGNETISM; THE PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHER BAFFLED, by LAURENCE HYNES HALLORAN


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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

ANIMAL MAGNETISM; THE PSEUDO-PHILOSOPHER BAFFLED, by                    
First Line: The invited guests in silent order sat
Last Line: He from her presence sneaked, completely humbled!
Subject(s): Comic Strips; Laughter; Philosophy & Philosophers


TH' INVITED guests in silent order sat,
The destined victim in the midst was seen;
Hard by, the mystic Doctor grave as fate,
While scarce a breath disturbed the solemn scene,
Save now and then the rattling china's sound,
Or buttered toast by greasy grinders ground.

Here sat a Quaker, young, demure and fair,
A Jew, a pedagogue, a parson there;
A justice (half-ashamed) was placed behind,
'With fair round belly with fat capon lined';
Here sat an adept with importance big,
And there a doctor with full-bottomed wig.
Curiosity in every part was seen,
With outstretched neck, wild eye and restless mien,
While Expectation, light as wind
On tiptoe nimbly tripped behind.
The fragments were removed, the breakfast o'er,
And Common Sense retiring closed the door.

And now the solemn farce began.
Slow from his seat arose the wonder-working man;
And thrice three steps, mysterious number, took;
And thrice viewed his devoted fingers' ends;
And thrice the honours of his head he shook,
And downward thrice his sable brows he bends.

Now he approached the 'subject to be tested'
(Each wond'ring wight with apprehension sweated);
The 'dauntless fair' alone unmoved appeared,
And boldlv dared the awful test;
And now his dexter hand the Doctor reared,
Now darts it down like lightning at her breast.

And now the left alternate rises,
And now it falls; but falls alas! in vain.
Now with impatient haste he strives again:
In vain! not yet appears the 'stubborn crisis'.

At length enraged, his basilisk-like eyes
He rivets fast upon her orbs of sight:
With greater vehemence he tries,
And pegs her stomach with augmented might.
Th' intrenching whalebone to his strokes resounds,
And oft th' involuntary 'ah!' rebounds.

Th' abashed assistants haste to his relief,
And gnash their teeth and wave their hands in air;
But still in vain: the disappointed chief
With greater force assails th' impenetrable fair.
Till tired at length, her eyes she seemed to close,
And sunk back in her chair; and dozed, or feigned to doze.

Who but the Doctor now exults?
Th' unbelieving lady conquered by his fluid.
O'er his fall'n foe th' arch-hypocrite insults:
'Did I not tell you, friends, that I would do it?
Her want of faith shall not unpunished go,
Two hours a victim to my power she lies!'
And now he views more near his artful foe,
His hand soft-wandering o'er her mouth and eyes.
When oh! disgraceful to relate—
Would I could veil the dismal thing, or
Conceal the fatal truth beneath—
While with successful pride elate,
She snapped the Doctor's too officious finger,
And held it fast between her teeth.

Loud roared the sufferer. At his sudden roar
The audience turned by instinct towards the door,
And, terrified, downstairs together tumbled.
Th' impostor and his patient left alone,
She loosed his finger. With an hideous groan
He from her presence sneaked, completely humbled!





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