Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, THE DEMOCRATIC BARBER; OR, COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S SURPRISE, by JOHN PARRISH


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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

THE DEMOCRATIC BARBER; OR, COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S SURPRISE, by                    
First Line: Good gad! Who's this? What's this, my son?
Last Line: Unto the world I will the deed proclaim.
Subject(s): Democracy; Human Rights; Men; Paine, Thomas (1737-1809)


GOOD Gad! who's this? What's this, my son?
What a strange figure, 'faith—of fun!
I see the folks can make in town
The clown a fop—the fop a clown;
The last time you to London went,
Remember then you home was sent
With tail which reached all down your back!
And now you've nothing left—but neck.
'Ah! wonder not, sir, for, egad,
The London people all are mad;
There rages now a sad disorder
(Amongst the low plebeian order),
A strange chimera of the brain,
Occasioned by the works of Paine;
A disappointed man—quite crazy,
Best pleased when others are uneasy—
And as I wished for information
About this strange infatuation,
I went into a barber's near
The inn—and bade him cut my hair.
He placed a chair—I sat me down—
Then asked what news they had in town.
With that he came direct before me,
As if prepared to tell a story—
And thus began:
'"I trust you've read that glorious plan
That's wrote by Paine—The Rights of Man—
By which we're shown that crowns and kings
Are paltry baubles—useless things—
How like to wretched slaves we're 'oaded,
And how we're with oppression goaded.
Just for a moment cast your eyes
Upon our neighbours great and wise;
Only bestow one single glance
On the wise policy—of France.
Oh! glorious deed—at one bold stroke
They their despotic fetters broke—
At once threw off the tyrant's yoke;
Let us by them example take—
Like them our slavish fetters break—
Blot out the test, cry toleration,
Destroy each title in the nation;
Distinction's pride—and pride's the devil;
A man's a man—and we'll be level.
E'en now they feel their power shaken,
'Tis clearly proved by proclamation;
We know a fabric built on sand
Against a storm can never stand,
And soon we'll put in execution
Our glorious aim—a revolution.
Our great presiders seem quite fractious,
Call us base—low—seditious—factious;
Yet we'll convince them tyrant laws
Shall not pervert our glorious cause;
For soon we will complete our wishes,
Delightful thought—the loaves and fishes."
'His maddened looks did so alarm me,
I really feared the fool might harm me;
He stared, and looked like any fury.
"Come, come," said I, "I'm in a hurry;
Dismiss me, friend."—No more he spoke,
But stepped behind—and at one stroke
(Even before I was aware)
[He] left me as you see me—bare.
I felt, jumped up—I stamped and swore—
And like a madman raved and tore.
He sternly cried—"Why this damned passion?
You're just in democratic fashion;
I thought you one of us, and hearty
In the design of our new party.
Our zealous leaders did adopt
The law to have our party cropped.
To show our zeal this rule was made,
And I'm resolved, with loss of trade
(Which is my all), to serve the cause,
And starving I'll support their laws.
And if you'd wish our cut to see,"
He, turning, cried—"here—look at me."
'"Scoundrel!" said I, for, on my soul,
He'd scarce a hair to hide his poll.
I strove to strike—he from me flew—
And squared just like the fighting Jew.
'"Sirrah!" said he, "if you dare speak
That word again—I break your cheek.
Scoundrel! What do you mean by that?
Know, sir—I am a Demo-crat,
And I'll convince you that I can,
And will, support the Rights of Man."
'My anger now to madness grown,
I raised my arm and knocked him down;
Then seized his scissors (large as shears)
And in my passion lopped his ears.
"There go", said I, "to tutor Paine,
To him who thus inflamed thy brain,
And bid him tack them on again."'
Well done, my boy—'twas e'er thy father's rule
To mark with shame th' insulting knave or fool;
Such lesser pains may rising vice prevent,
When fear of death may fail of its intent.
But yet, methinks, 'twas rather too severe:
It were enough t' have taken either ear;
But as it seems to me an act of fame,
Unto the world I will the deed proclaim.





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