Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, TWO LETTERS, by CHARLES LOUIS HENRY WAGNER


Poetry Explorer

Classic and Contemporary Poetry

TWO LETTERS, by                    
First Line: My dearest friend charles:--
Last Line: So be happy with your bertha hall.
Subject(s): Friends, Fair-weather; Friendship; Letters


First Letter, Asking Advice on Matrimony:

My Dearest Friend Charles:—
I am writing this letter
To you as a friend, and also as debtor
Who's beholden to you for favors you've done
In years of the past which so swiftly have run,
And I thought that perhaps, if you would permit,
I'd just ask another for my benefit.
I'm about to embark on that uncharted sea
Which is known by the name of Matrimony,
And I wish you would write in a true lover's way
A couple of verses for my fiancee.
Her charms are so many I could not tell all,
And the name she is known by is sweet Bertha Hall.
Her smile is quite witching, her laughing eyes gleam,
And her lips and her cheeks are just peaches and cream.
Her beautiful tresses are fluffed with such care
I think I could love e'en the puffs in her hair.
Her voice is like Melba's, so full and so clear,
My heart seems to burst with its music and cheer,
And she has the cutest and tiniest feet,
There never were ankles so pretty and neat.
She plays the piano with wonderful care,
You'd listen entranced to "The Maiden's Prayer."
If you could but see her, I'm sure you'd agree
That sweet Bertha Hall is the darling for me.
So, Charles, please, please write a cute little rhyme
Which will tell of the charms of this sweetheart of mine,
And maybe, perhaps, you can give advice
About married life which will help and suffice.
From a married man's standpoint, I wish you'd tell me
If I marry what think you the harvest will be?
Please write me at once, if you have a pen,
Believe me, I am,
Your dearest friend
N———.

Second Letter

A Homily Addressed to a Prospective Bridegroom

I have something to say
As I write you to-day,
It's to tell you that I've had a call
To be a great poet.
There's a young amoret
Who's in love with a lady named Hall.

I've not had the pleasure
To meet this sweet treasure,
There's reason for this cogitation.
As I write these few lines
My poor, lonely heart pines
To journey to her habitation.

Because I did marry
Don't think I am chary
Of adoring the girls large and small.
Although I'm not a saint,
In this wish there's no taint,
I would that I knew this Miss Hall.

Now, my dear old friend N———,
I've seen prettier men,
To be handsome, your legs are too thin.
But while this fact is true,
I'll just leave it to you,
With the women you certainly win.

About your fiancee
You have little to say,
Is she built on the lines of a doll?
Are her eyes blue or brown?
What's the style of her gown?
Is she handsome—your charming Miss Hall?

And I think you did say
A piano she'd play,
That her voice was like Melba's in tone.
Well, now, isn't it nice,
You'll both save the price
Of a no-money-down graphophone.

Married life's not all joy,
To its bliss there's alloy,
From love's raptures we all have to fall.
Can your sweetheart bake bread?
Are her biscuits like lead?
Do you know how to darn, Bertha Hall?

Can your dear girl sew stitches
On the seat of your b—(trousers)?
Will she crease your pants' legs on the side?
Can she lug coal and wood
As a modern wife should?
And is snowy white linen her pride?

Say, can you build a fire
Without raising your ire?
Do you know how to ward off a squall?
Maybe you'll be loath
To have to do both,
Have you yet had a scrap with Miss Hall?

Now, is it your bent
To grumble at rent?
Will you at the grocery man curse?
Or will you raise the deuce
When the servants vamoose,
And kick when you need a trained nurse?

Do you care for a baby,
Or several, maybe?
Can you walk them around when they bawl?
When your little girl cries,
Will you tell pretty lies?
Will you say, "You're a darling, Miss Hall?"

Can you eat beans on Sunday,
And again upon Monday,
And chew hash all the rest of the week?
Have you learned how to laugh
When your sweet better half
Feeds you eggs that are somewhat antique?

Will you go on a bat
When you pay for a hat
In spring, summer, winter and fall?
If your wife needs some shoes
Will you then get the blues,
And be cross at your dear Bertha Hall?

On a clear, frosty morning,
When day is just dawning,
Do you mind getting up in the cold?
If you miss a train,
Will your wife be to blame?
Will you give her your money to hold?

Can you hunt for a sample
And be an example
Of a married man's nerve and his gall?
If there's dress goods to match
Will you act like "Old Scratch"?
Can you hook up a dress for Miss Hall?

Now I do not disparage
Nor make fun of marriage,
In fact, I'm a much-married man.
The aim of this letter
You'll see when you get her.
I desire to help all I can.

To you, my old friend,
My best wishes I send.
There is nothing like love, after all.
In true love there is more
Than this world has in store,
So be happy with your Bertha Hall.





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