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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

CLUB LAW by JAMES SMITH (1775-1839)

First Line: DEAR TOM, SINCE BY A LUCKY KNACK
Last Line: YOU'RE SAFE IN YOUR LOCATION.
Subject(s): HUMILITY; SINGING & SINGERS; SMILES;
DEAR TOM, since by a lucky knack,
Your white balls overtop the black,
And counter-canvass smother,
Let me your mental garment darn,
As old Polonius spun a yarn
To fair Ophelia's brother.

"Be thou familiar," should you see
At dinner an austere M.P.
Just as his glass he's filling,
Accost him -- whatsoe'er his rank --
With "Sir, I'd thank you for a frank,"
And save your aunt a shilling.

"Give every man (of wealth) thine ear;"
Smile when he smiles, his sallies cheer,
Out his connexions ferret;
Or roar his catch, or sing his psalm:
But, Thomas, "never dull thy palm"
By shaking hands with Merit.

At a house-dinner show your fun --
Mount a horse-laugh, quiz, banter, pun,
Be saucy as a squirrel;
But if your foe possess a pair
Of Manton's polished pops, "beware
Of entrance to a quarrel."

If a roast fillet deck the board,
With bacon, you can well afford
To leave the viand @3per se;@1
But if a haunch supplant the veal,
"Grapple" the joint "with hooks of steel,"
And carve it without mercy.

"Apparel oft proclaims the man:"
Wear, then, the richest garb you can,
Whilst in the club a dweller;
And if men doubt your means and ways,
Reverse the @3caveat emptor@1 phrase,
And cast it to the seller.

"Take each man's censure" in good part; --
Pliant humility's an art
That copper turns to siller.
"Be not a lender" -- memories flit;
"Nor borrower" -- unless a wit
From old Josephus Miller.

Place on the fender both your feet;
When Boreas howls, complain of heat,
And open all the windows;
Ring for the waiter, bang the door,
And for your brethren care no more
Than Tippoo cared for Hindoos.

Never to acquiesce be seen;
To those who dwell on Edmund Kean,
Talk of John Kemble's glories.
Dub all who do the civil, prigs;
Revile Lord Melbourne to the Whigs,
Sir Robert to the Tories.

And now, dear Tom, farewell; the gale
"Sits in the shoulder of your sail," --
Defy disapprobation:
For, till committee-men begin
To ballot @3out,@1 as well @3as in,@1
You're safe in your location.



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