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Classic and Contemporary Poetry
THE WIDOW, by THOMAS MIDDLETON Poet's Biography
First Line: A sport only for christmas is the play
Last Line: For my report, pray let her hear't from you. [exeunt.
First Line: A sport only for christmas is the play
Last Line: For my report, pray let her hear't from you. [exeunt.
PROLOGUE.
A SPORT only for Christmas is the play
This hour presents to you; to make you gay
Is all the ambition 't has, and fullest aim
Bent at your smiles, to win itself a name;
And if your edge be not quite taken off,
Wearied with sports, I hope 'twill make you laugh
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
BRANDINO, a justice.
MARTINO, his clerk.
FRANCISCO.
ATTILIO.
RICARDO.
Two Old Men, suitors to VALERIA.
LATROCINIO, Thieves
OCCULTO,
SILVIO,
STRATIO,
FIDUCIO,
SERVELLIO.
Officers, Servants.
VALERIA, a widow.
PHILIPPA, her sister, wife of BRANDINO.
MARTIA, daughter of one of VALERIA'S suitors, and disguised as ANSALDO.
VIOLETTA, waiting-maid to PHILIPPA.
SCENE—CAPO D'ISTRIA and the Neighbouring Country.
ACT THE FIRST.
SCENE I.
A Room in BRANDINO'S House.
MARTINO seated at a writing-table. Enter FRANCISCO.
FRAN. Martino!
Mar. Signior Francisco? you're the luckiest gentleman to meet or see
first in a morning: I never saw you yet but I was sure of money within less
than
half an hour.
Fran. I bring you the same luck still.
Mar. What, you do not? I hope, sir, you are not come for another
warrant?
Fran. Yes, faith, for another warrant.
Mar. Why, there's my dream come out then. I never dreamed of a
buttock
but I was sure to have money for a warrant; it is the luckiest part of all the
body to me: let every man speak as he finds. Now your usurer is of opinion
that
to dream of the devil is your wealthier dream; and I think if a man dream of
that part that brings many to the devil, 'tis as good, and has all one smatch
indeed, for if one be the flesh, the other's the broth: so 'tis in all his
members, an we mark it; if gluttony be the meat, lechery is the porridge;
they're both boiled together, and we clerks will have our modicum too,
though it
conclude in the twopenny chop.
Why, sir, Signior Francisco!
Fran. 'Twas her voice sure,
Or my soul takes delight to think it was,
And makes a sound like hers. [Aside
Mar. Sir, I beseech you—
Fran. It is the prettiest-contrived building this!
What posy's that, I prithee?
Mar. Which, sir? that
Under the great brass squirt?
Fran. Ay, that, sir, that.
Mar. "From fire, from water, and all things amiss,
Deliver the house of an honest justice."
Fran. There's like to be a good house kept then when fire and water's
forbidden to come into the kitchen.—
Not yet a sight of her! this hour's unfortunate.—[Aside.
And what's that yonder, prithee?—O love's famine,
There's no affliction like thee! [Aside.]—Ay, I hear you, sir.
Mar. You're quicker-eared than I, then; you hear me
Before I heard myself.
Fran. A gift in friendship;
Some call it an instinct.
Mar. It may be;
The other's the sweeter phrase, though. Look you, sir,
Mine own wit this, and 'tis as true as turtle:
"A goose-quill and a clerk, a constable and a lantern,
Brings many a bawd from coach to cart, and many a thief to one turn."
Fran. That one turn helped you well.
Mar. 'T has helped me to money indeed for many a warrant. I am forty
dollars the better for that one turn; an 'twould come off quicker, 'twere
ne'er
a whit the worse for me. But, indeed, when thieves are taken, and break away
twice or thrice one after another, there's my gains; then goes out more
warrants
to fetch 'em again. One fine nimble villain may be worth a man ten dollars in
and out a' that fashion: I love such a one with my heart; ay, and will
help him
to 'scape too, an I can: hear you me that: I'll have him in at all times at a
month's warning; nay, say I let him run like a summer nag all the
vacation—see you these blanks? I'll send him but one of these
bridles, and
bring him in at Michaelmas with a vengeance. Nothing kills my
heart but when one
of 'em dies, sir; then there's no hope of more money: I had rather lose at all
times two of my best kindred than an excellent thief, for he's a gentleman I'm
more beholding to.
Fran. You betray your mystery too much, sir.—Yet no comfort?
'Tis but her sight that I waste precious time for
For more I cannot hope for, she's so strict;
Yet that I cannot have. [Aside.
Mar. I'm ready now, signior. Here are blank warrants of all
dispositions;
give me but the name and nature of your malefactor, and I'll bestow him
according to his merits.
Fran. This only is the excuse that bears me out,
And keeps off impudence and suspicion
From my too frequent coming. What name now
Shall I think on, and not to wrong the house?
This coxcomb will be prating. [Aside.]—One Attilio,
His offence wilful murder.
Mar. Wilful murder? O, I love a' life to have such a
fellow come under
my fingers! like a beggar that's long a-taking leave of a fat louse, I'm loth t
o
part with him; I must look upon him over and over first. Are you wilful?
i'faith, I'll be as wilful as you then. [Writes.
[PHILIPPA and VIOLETTA appear above at a window.
Phil. Martino!
Mar. Mistress?
Phil. Make haste, your master's going.
Mar. I'm but about a wilful murder, forsooth;
I'll despatch that presently.
Phil. Good morrow, sir.—O that I durst say more!
[Aside, and exit above with VIOLETTA.
Fran. 'Tis gone again: since such are all life's pleasures,
No sooner known but lost, he that enjoys 'em
The length of life has but a longer dream,
He wakes to this i' the end, and sees all nothing.
[PHILIPPA and VIOLETTA appear again above
Phil. He cannot see me now; I'll mark him better
Before I be too rash. Sweetly composed he is;
Now as he stands he's worth a woman's love
That loves only for shape, as most on's do;
But I must have him wise as well as proper,
He comes not in my books else; and indeed
I've thought upon a course to try his wit. [Aside.
Violetta.
Vio. Mistress?
Phil. Yonder's the gentleman again.
Vio. O sweet mistress,
Pray give me leave to see him!
Phil. Nay, take heed,
Open not the window, an you love me.
Vio. No, I've the view of his whole body here, mistress,
At this poor little slit: O, enough, enough!
In troth, 'tis a fine outside.
Phil. I see that.
Vio. H'as curled his hair most judiciously well.
Phil. Ay, there's thy love now! it begins in barbarism. She buys a
goose with feathers that loves a gentleman for's hair; she may be cozened to
her
face, wench. Away: he takes his leave. Reach me that letter hither; quick,
quick, wench.
[VIOLETTA brings a letter, which PHILIPPA presently
throws down.
Mar. [Giving warrant to FRANCISCO.] Nay, look upon't, and spare
not:
every one cannot get that kind of warrant from me, signior. Do you see this
prick i' the bottom? it betokens power and speed; it is a privy mark that runs
between the constables and my master: those that cannot read, when they see
this, know 'tis for lechery or murder; and this being away, the warrant comes
gelded and insufficient.
Fran. I thank you, sir.
Mar. Look you; all these are nihils;
They want the punction.
Fran. Yes, I see they do, sir
There's for thy pains [Giving money]:—mine must go unrewarded:
The better love, the worse by fate regarded. [Aside and exit.
Mar. Well, go thy ways for the sweetest customer that ever penman was
blest withal! Now will he come for another to-morrow again: if he hold on this
course, he will leave never a knave i' the town within this twelve-month: no
matter, I shall be rich enough by that time.
Phil. Martino!
Mar. Say you, forsooth?
Phil. What paper's that the gentleman let fall there?
Mar. Paper!—'Tis the warrant, I hope; if it be, I'll hide it,
and
make him pay for't again. No, pox! 'tis not so happy. [Aside.
Phil. What is't, sirrah?
Mar. 'Tis nothing but a letter, forsooth.
Phil. Is that nothing?
Mar. Nothing in respect of a warrant, mistress.
Phil. A letter! why, 't has been many a man's undoing, sir.
Mar. So has a warrant, an you go to that, mistress.
Phil. Read but the superscription, and away with't:
Alas! it may concern the gentleman nearly!
Mar. Why, mistress, this letter is at home already.
Phil. At home! how mean you, sir?
Mar. You shall hear, mistress [Reads.]:—"To the deservingest
of all her sex, and most worthy of his best respect and love, Mistress
Philippa
Brandino."
Phil. How, sir, to me?
Mar. To you, mistress.
Phil. Run, as thou lov'st my honour and thy life,
Call him again; I'll not endure this injury;—
But stay, stay, now I think on't, 'tis my credit;
I'll have your master's counsel. Ah, base fellow,
To leave his loose lines thus! 'tis even as much
As a poor honest gentlewoman's undoing,
Had I not a grave wise man to my husband:
And thou a vigilant varlet to admit
Thou car'st not whom!
Mar. 'Las, 'tis my office, mistress!
You know you have a kirtle every year,
And 'tis within two months of the time now;
The velvet's coming over: pray, be milder.
A man that has a place must take money of anybody: please you to throw me down
but half a dollar, and I'll make you a warrant for him now; that's all I care
for him.
Phil. Well, look you be clear now from this foul conspiracy
Against mine honour; or your master's love to you,
That makes you stout, shall not maintain you here;
It shall not, trust to't. [Exit above, with VIOLETTA.
Mar. This is strange to me now:Dare she do this, and but eight weeks
to
new-year's tide?
A man that had his blood as hot as hers now
Would fit her with French velvet: I'll go near it.
Enter BRANDINO and PHILIPPA.
Phil. If this be a wrong to modest reputation,
Be you the censurer, sir, that are the master
Both of your fame and mine.
Bran. Signior Francisco!
I'll make him fly the land.
Mar. That will be hard, sir:
I think he be not so well feathered, master;
H'as spent the best part of his patrimony.
Phil. Hark of his bold confederate!
Bran. There thou'rt bitter;
And I must chide thee now.
Phil. What should I think, sir?
He comes to your man for warrants.
Bran. There it goes then.—
Come hither, knave: comes he to you for warrants?
Mar. Why, what of that, sir?
You know I give no warrants to make cuckolds:
That comes by fortune and by nature, sir.
Bran. True, that comes by fortune and by nature.—Wife,
Why dost thou wrong this man?
Mar. He needs no warrant, master, that goes about such business: a
cuckold-maker carries always his warrant about him.
Bran. La, has he answered well now, to the full?
What cause hast thou to abuse him?
Phil. Hear me out, I pray:
Through his admittance, h'as had opportunity
To come into the house, and court me boldly.
Bran. Sirrah, you're foul again, methinks.
Mar. Who, I, sir?
Bran. You gave this man admittance into the house.
Mar. That's true, sir: you ne'er gave me any order yet
To write my warrants i' the street.
Bran. Why, sure thou tak'st delight
To wrong this fellow, wife, ha, 'cause I love him?
Phil. Pray, see the fruits; see what h'as left behind here:
Be angry where you should be: there's few wives
Would do as I do.
Bran. Nay, I'll say that for thee,
I ne'er found thee but honest
Phil. She's a beast
That ever was found otherways.
Bran. Read, Martino:
Mine eyes are sore already, and such business
Would put 'em out quite.
Mar. [Reads letter.] "Fair, dear, and incomparable
mistress"—
Bran. O, every letter draws a tooth, methinks!
Mar. And it leads mine to watering.
Phil. Here's no villany!
Mar. [Reads.] "My love being so violent, and the opportunity so
precious in your husband's absence tonight, who, as I understand, takes a
journey this morning"—
Bran. O plot of villany!
Phil. Am I honest, think you, sir?
Bran. Exactly honest, perfectly improved.—
On, on, Martino.
Mar. [Reads.] "I will make bold, dear mistress, though your
chastity has given me many a repulse, to wait the sweet
blessings of this long-
desired opportunity at the back gate, between nine and ten this night"—
Bran. I feel this Inns-o'-court man in my temples!
Mar. [Reads.] "Where, if your affection be pleased to receive me,
you receive the faithfullest that ever vowed service to woman.—Francisco.
Bran. I will make Francisco smart for't!
Phil. Show him the letter, let him know you know him;
That will torment him: all your other courses
Are nothing, sir, to that: that breaks his heart
Bran. The strings shall not hold long then.—Come, Martino.
Phil. Now, if Francisco have any wit at all,
He comes at night: if not, he never shall. [Aside.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
The Country near FRANCISCO'S House.
Enter FRANCISCO, RICARDO, and ATTILIO.
Ric. Nay, mark, mark it, Francisco; it was the naturallest courtesy
that ever was ordained; a young gentleman being spent, to have a rich widow
set
him up again. To see how fortune has provided for all mortality's ruins! your
college for your old-standing scholar, your hospital for your lame-creeping
soldier, your bawd for your mangled roarer, your open house for your
beggar, and
your widow for your gentleman;—ha, Francisco?
Fran. Ay, sir, you may be merry; you're in hope of a rich widow.
Ric. And why shouldst not thou be in hope of another, if there were any
spirit in thee? thou art as likely a fellow as any is in the company. I'll be
hanged now if I do not hit the true cause of thy sadness; and confess truly,
i'faith; thou hast some land unsold yet, I hold my life.
Fran. Marry, I hope so, sir.
Ric. A pox on't, have I found it? 'Slight, away with't with all
speed,
man! I was never merry at heart while I had a foot. Why, man, fortune never
minds us till we are left alone to ourselves; for what need she take care for
them that do nothing but take care for themselves? Why, dost think if I
had kept
my lands still, I should ever have looked after a rich widow? alas! I should
have married some poor young maid, got five and twenty children, and undone
myself!
Fran. I protest, sir, I should not have the face, though, to
come to a
rich widow with nothing.
Ric. Why, art thou so simple as thou makest thyself? dost think,
i'faith, I come to a rich widow with nothing.
Fran. I mean with state not answerable to hers.
Ric. Why, there's the fortune, man, that I talked on;
She knows all this, and yet I am welcome to her.
Fran. Ay? that's strange, sir.
Ric. Nay more, to pierce thy hard heart,
And make thee sell thy land, if thou'st any grace,—
She has, 'mongst others, two substantial suitors;
One, in good time be't spoke, I owe much money to;
She knows this too, and yet I'm welcome to her,
Nor dares the unconscionable rascal trouble me;
Sh'as told him thus,—those that profess love to her
Shall have the liberty to come and go,
Or else get him gone first; she knows not yet
Where fortune may bestow her; she's her gift,
Therefore to all will show a kind respect.
Fran. Why, this is like a woman: I ha' no luck in't.
Ric. And as at a sheriff's table,—O blest custom!—
A poor indebted gentleman may dine,
Feed well and without fear, and depart so,
So to her lips fearless I come and go.
Fran. You may well boast, you're much the happier man, sir.
Ric. So you would be, an you would sell your land, sir.
Fran. I've heard the circumstance of your sweet fortunes:
Prithee, give ear to my unlucky tale now.
Ric. That's an ill hearing; but come on for once, sir.
Fran. I never yet loved but one woman.
Ric. Right,
I begun so too; but I have loved a thousand since.
Fran. Pray, hear me, sir: but this is a man's wife.
Ric. So has five hundred of my thousand been.
Fran. Nay, see an you'll regard me!
Ric. No? you see I do;
I bring you an example in for everything.
Fran. This man's wife—
Ric. So you said.
Fran. Seems very strict.
Ric. Ha, hum!
Fran. Do you laugh at that?
Ric. Seems very strict, you said;
I hear you, man, i'faith; you are so jealous still!
Fran. But why should that make you laugh?
Ric. Because she seems so: you're such another!
Fran. Nay, sir, I think she is.
Ric. You cannot tell then?
Fran. I dare not ask the question, I protest,
For fear of a repulse; which yet not having,
My mind's the quieter, and I live in hope still.
Ric. Ha, hum! this 'tis to be a landed man.
Come, I perceive, I must show you a little of my fortune, and instruct you.
Not ask the question?
Fran. Methought still she frowned, sir
Ric. Why, that's the cause, fool, that she looked so scurvily.
Come, come, make me your woman; you'll ne'er do't else;
I'll show you her condition presently.
I perceive you must begin like a young vaulter, and get up at
horse-tail before
you get into the saddle: have you the boldness to utter your mind to me now,
being but in hose and doublet? I think, if I should put on a
farthin, gale, thou
wouldst never have the heart to do't.
Fran. Perhaps I should not then for laughing at you, sir.
Ric. In the mean time I fear I shall laugh at thee without one.
Fran. Nay, you must think, friend, I dare speak to a woman.
Ric. You shall pardon me for that, friend: I will not think it till I
see't.
Fran. Why, you shall, then: I shall be glad to learn too
Of one so deep as you are.
Ric. So you may, sir.—
Now 'tis my best course to look mildly; I shall put him out at first else.
Fran. A word, sweet lady!
Ric. With me, sir? say your pleasure.
Fran. Oh, Ricardo,
Thou art too good to be a woman long!
Ric. Do not find fault with this, for fear I prove
Too scornful; be content when you're well used.
Fran. You say well, sir.—Lady, I've loved you long.
Ric. 'Tis a good hearing, sir.—If he be not out now, I'll be
hanged!
Fran. You play a scornful woman! I perceive, Ricardo, you have not
been
used to 'em: why, I'll come in at my pleasure with you: Alas! 'tis nothing
for a
man to talk when a woman gives way to't! one shall seldom meet with a lady so
kind as thou playedst her.
Ric. Not altogether, perhaps: he that draws their pictures must
flatter
'em a little; they'll look he that plays 'em should do't a great deal then.
Fran. Come, come, I'll play the woman that I'm used to:
I see you ne'er wore shoe that pinched you yet;
All your things come on easy.
Ric. Say you so, sir?
I'll try your ladyship, 'faith.—Lady, well met.
Fran. I do not think so, sir.
Ric. A scornful gom! and at the first dash too!
My widow never gave me such an answer;
I'll to you again, sir.—
Fairest of creatures, I do love thee infinitely!
Fran. There's nobody bids you, sir.
Ric. Pox on thee, thou art the beastliest, crossest baggage that ever
man met withal! but I'll see thee hanged, sweet lady, ere I be daunted with
this.—Why, thou'rt too awkward, sirrah.
Fran. Hang thee, base fellow!
Ric. Now, by this light, he thinks he does't indeed!
Nay, then, have at your plum-tree! faith, I'll not be foiled.—Though you
seem to be careless, madam, as you have enough wherewithal to be, yet I do,
must, and will love you.
Fran. Sir, if you begin to be rude, I'll call my woman.
Ric. What a pestilent quean's this! I shall have much ado with her, I
see that.—Tell me, as you're a woman, lady, what serve kisses for but to
stop all your mouths?
Fran. Hold, hold, Ricardo!
Ric. Disgrace me, widow?
Fran. Art mad? I'm Francisco.
Att. Signior Ricardo, up, up!
Ric. Who is't? Francisco?
Fran. Francisco, quotha! what, are you mad, sir?
Ric. A bots on thee, thou dost not know what injury thou hast done
me;
I was i' the fairest dream. This is your way now, an you can follow it.
Fran. 'Tis a strange way, methinks.
Ric. Learn you to play a woman not so scornfully then;
For I am like the actor that you spoke on:
I must have the part that overcomes the lady,
I never like the play else. Now your friendship,
But to assist a subtle trick I ha' thought on,
And the rich widow's mine within these three hours.
Att., Fran. We should be proud of that, sir.
Ric. List to me then.
I'll place you to,—I can do't handsomely,
I know the house so well,—to hear the conference
'Twixt her and I. She's a most affable one,
Her words will give advantage and I'll urge 'em
To the kind proof, to catch her in a contract;
Then shall you both step in as witnesses,
And take her in the snare.
Fran. But do you love her?
And then 'twill prosper.
Ric. By this hand, I do,
Not for her wealth, but for her person too.
Fran. It shall be done then.
Ric. But stay, stay, Francisco;
Where shall we meet with thee some two hours hence now?
Fran. Why, hark you, sir. [Whispers.
Ric. Enough; command my life:
Get me the widow, I'll get thee the wife.
[Exeunt RICARDO and ATTILIO.
Fran. O, that's now with me past hope! yet I must love her:
I would I could not do't!
Enter BRANDINO and MARTINO.
Mar. Yonder's the villan, master.
Bran. Francisco? I am happy.
Mar. Let's both draw, master, for there's nobody with him:—
Stay, stay, master
Do not you draw till I be ready too;
Let's draw just both together, and keep even.
Bran. What an we killed him now, before he saw us?
Mar. No, then he'll hardly see to read the letter.
Bran. That's true; good counsel, marry.
Mar. Marry, thus much, sir; you may kill him law-fully all the while
he's a-reading on't; as an Anabaptist may lie with a brother's wife all the
while he's asleep.
Bran. He turns, he looks.—Come on, sir; you, Francisco!
I loved your father well, but you're a villain;
He loved me well too, but you love my wife, sir:
After whom take you that? I will not say
Your mother played false.
Fran. No, sir, you were not best.
Bran. But I will say in spite of thee, my wife's honest.
Mar. And I, my mistress.
Fran. You may, I'll give you leave.
Bran. Leave or leave not, there she defies you, sir.
[Gives the letter.
Keep your adulterous sheet to wind you in
Or cover your forbidden parts at least,
For fear you want one: many a lecher may
That sins in cambric now.
Mar. And in lawn too, master.
Bran. Nay, read and tremble, sir.
Mar. Now shall I do't, master? I see a piece of an open seam in his
shirt; shall I run him in there? for my sword has ne'er a point.
Bran. No; let him foam a while.
Mar. If your sword be no better than mine, we shall not kill him by
daylight; we had need have a lanthorn.
Bran. Talk not of lanthorns, he's a sturdy lecher;
He would make the horns fly about my ears.
Fran. I apprehend thee: admirable woman!
Which to love best I know not, thy wit or beauty. [Aside.
Bran. Now, sir, have you well viewed your bastard there,
Got of your lustful brain? give you joy on't!
Fran. I thank you, sir: although you speak in jest,
I must confess I sent your wife this letter
And often courted her, tempted and urged her.
Bran. Did you so, sir? then first,
Before I kill thee, I forewarn thee my house.
Mar. And I, before I kill thee, forewarn thee my office: die
to-morrow
next, thou never gettest warrant of me more, for love or money.
Fran. Remember but again from whence I came, sir,
And then I know you cannot think amiss of me.
Bran. How's this?
Mar. Pray, hear him; it may grow to a peace: for, master, though we
have carried the business nobly, we are not altogether so valiant as we should
be.
Bran. Peace! thou say'st true in that.—What is't you'd say, sir?
Fran. Was not my father—quietness be with him!—
And you sworn brothers?
Bran. Why, right: that's it urges me.
Fran. And could you have a thought that I could wrong you,
As far as the deed goes?
Bran. You took the course, sir.
Fran. To make you happy, an you rightly weighed it.
Mar. Troth, I'll put up at all adventures, master:
It comes off very fair yet.
Fran. You in years
Married a young maid: what does the world judge, think you?
Mar. By'r lady, master, knavishly enough, I warrant you;
I should do so myself.
Fran. Now, to damp slander,
And all her envious and suspicious brood,
I made this friendly trial of her constancy,
Being son to him you loved; that now confirmed,
I might advance my sword against the world
In her most fair defence, which joys my spirit.
Mar. O master, let me weep while you embrace him!
Bran. Francisco, is thy father's soul in thee?
Lives he here still? what, will he show himself
In his male seed to me? give me thy hand;
Methinks it feels now like thy father's to me:
Prithee, forgive me!
Mar. And me too, prithee!
Bran. Come to my house; thy father never missed it.
Mar. Fetch now as many warrants as you please, sir,
And welcome too.
Fran. To see how soon man's goodness
May be abused!
Bran. But now I know thy intent,
Welcome to all that I have!
Fran. Sir, I take it:
A gift so given, hang him who would forsake it! [Exit.
Bran. Martino, I applaud my fortune and thy counsel.
Mar. You never have ill fortune when you follow it.
Here was things carried now in the true nature of a quiet duello; a great
strife
ended, without the rough soldier or the—. And now you may take your
journey.
Bran. Thou art my glee, Martino. [Exeunt.
ACT THE SECOND
SCENE I.
A Room in VALERIA'S House.
Enter VALERIA and SERVELLIO.
VAL. Servellio!
Ser. Mistress?
Val. If that fellow come again,
Answer him without me; I'll not speak with him.
Ser. He in the nutmeg-coloured band, forsooth?
Val. Ay, that spiced coxcomb, sir: ne'er may I marry again, [Exit
SERVELLIO.
If his right worshipful idolatrous face
Be not most fearfully painted; so hope comfort me.
I might perceive it peel in many places;
And under 's eye lay a betraying foulness,
As maids sweep dust o' the house all to one corner;
It showed me enough there, prodigious pride,
That cannot but fall scornfully. I'm a woman;
Yet, I praise Heaven, I never had the ambition
To go about to mend a better workman:
She ever shames herself i' the end that does it.
He that likes me not now as Heaven made me,
I'll never hazard hell to do him a pleasure;
Nor lie every night, like a woodcock, in paste
To please some gaudy goose in the morning:
A wise man likes that best that is itself,
Not that which only seems, though it look fairer.
Heaven send me one that loves me, and I'm happy!
Of whom I'll make great trial ere I have him,
Though I speak all men fair, and promise sweetly:
I learn that of my suitors; 'tis their own,
Therefore injustice 'twere to keep it from 'em.
Enter RICARDO, followed by FRANCISCO and ATTILIO, who conceal
themselves.
Ric. And so, as I said, sweet widow—
Val. Do you begin where you left, sir?
Ric. I always desire, when I come to a widow, to begin i' the middle
of
a sentence; for I presume she has a bad memory of a woman that cannot remember
what goes before.
Val. Stay, stay, sir; let me look upon you well;
Are not you painted too?
Ric. How, painted, widow!
Val. Not painted widow: I do not use it, trust me, sir.
Ric. That makes me love thee.
Val. I mean painted gentleman,
Or, if you please to give him a greater style, sir,
Blame me not, sir; it's a dangerous age, I tell you;
Poor simple-dealing women had need look about 'em.
Ric. But is there such a fellow in the world, widow,
As you are pleased to talk on?
Val. Nay, here lately, sir.
Ric. Here! a pox, I think I smell him; 'tis vermillion sure; ha, oil
of
ben! Do but show him me, widow, and let me never hope for comfort, if I do not
immediately geld him, and grind his face upon one o' the stones.
Val. Suffices you've expressed me your love and valour,
And manly hate 'gainst that unmanly pride:
But, sir, I'll save you that labour; he never comes
Within my door again.
Ric. I'll love your door the better while I know't, widow; a pair of
such brothers are fitter for posts without door indeed, to make a show at a
new-
chosen magistrate's gate, than to be used in a woman's chamber. No, sweet
widow,
having me, you've the truth of a man; all that you see of me is full mine own,
and what you see, or not see, shall be yours: I ever hated to be beholding to
art, or to borrow anything but money.
Val. True, and that you never use to pay again.
Ric. What matter is't? if you be pleased to do't for me,
I hold it as good.
Vol. Oh, soft you, sir, I pray!
Ric. Why, i'faith, you may, an you will.
Val. I know that, sir.
Ric. Troth, and I would have my will then, if I were as you: there's
few women else but has.
Val. But since I cannot have it in all, signior,
I care not to have it in anything.
Ric. Why, you may have't in all, an you will, widow.
Val. Pish! I'd have one that loves me for myself, sir,
Not for my wealth; and that I cannot have.
Ric. What say you to him that does the thing you wish for?
Val. Why, here's my hand, I'll marry none but him then.
Ric. Your hand and faith?
Val. My hand and faith.
Ric. 'Tis I, then.
Val. I shall be glad on't, trust me; 'shrew my heart else!
Ric. A match!
[FRANCISCO and ATTILIO come forward.
Fran. Give you joy, sweet widow!
Att. Joy to you both!
Val. How?
Ric. Nay, there's no starting now, I have you fast, widow.—
You're witness, gentlemen.
Fran., Att. We'll be deposed on't.
Val. Am I betrayed to this, then? then I see
'Tis for my wealth: a woman's wealth's her traitor.
Ric. 'Tis for love chiefly, I protest, sweet widow;
I count wealth but a fiddle to make us merry.
Val. Hence!
Ric. Why, thou'rt mine.
Val. I do renounce it utterly.
Ric. Have I not hand and faith?
Val. Sir, take your course.
Ric. With all my heart; ten courses, an you will, widow.
Val. Sir, sir, I'm not so gamesome as you think me;
I'll stand you out by law.
Ric. By law! O cruel, merciless woman,
To talk of law, and know I have no money!
Val. I will consume myself to the last stamp,
Before thou gett'st me.
Ric. 'Life, I'll be as wilful then, too;
I'll rob all the carriers in Christendom,
But I'll have thee, and find my lawyers money.
I scorn to get thee under forma pauperis;
I have too proud a heart and love thee better.
Val. As for you, gentlemen, I'll take course against you:
You came into my house without my leave;
Your practices are cunning and deceitful;
I know you not, and I hope law will right me.
Ric. It is sufficient that your husband knows 'em:
'Tis not your business to know every man;
An honest wife contents herself with one.
Val. You know what you shall trust to. Pray depart, sir,
And take your rude confederates along with you,
Or I will send for those shall force your absence:
I'm glad I found your purpose out so soon.
How quickly may poor women be undone!
Ric. Lose thee! by this hand, I'll fee fifteen counsellors first,
though I undo a hundred poor men for 'em; and I'll make 'em yaul one another
deaf, but I'll have thee.
Val. Me!
Ric. Thee.
Val. Ay, fret thy heart out. [Exit RICARDO.
Fran. Were I he now,
I'd see thee starve for man before I had thee.
Val. Pray, counsel him to that, sir, and I'll pay you well.
Fran. Pay me! pay your next husband.
Val. Do not scorn't, gallant; a worse woman than I
Has paid a better man than you.
[Exeunt ATTILIO and FRANCISCO.
Enter two Suitors.
1st Suit. Why, how now, sweet widow?
Val. O kind gentlemen, I'm so abused here!
Both Suit. Abused! [Drawing their swords.
Val. What will you do, sirs? put up your weapons.
2nd Suit. Nay, they're not so easily drawn, that I must tell you;
mine
has not been out this three years; marry, in your cause, widow, 'twould not be
long a-drawing.
Abused! by whom, widow?
Val. Nay, by a beggar.
2nd Suit. A beggar! I'll have him whipped then, and sent to the House
of Correction.
Val. Ricardo, sir.
2nd Suit. Ricardo! nay, by the mass, he's a gentleman-beggar; he'll
be
hanged before he be whipped. Why, you'll give me leave to clap him up, I hope?
Val. 'Tis too good for him; that's the thing he would have,
He would be clapped up, whether I would or no, methinks;
Placed two of his companions privately,
Unknown to me, on purpose to entrap me
In my kind answers, and at last stole from me
That which I fear will put me to some trouble,
A kind of verbal courtesy, which his witnesses
And he, forsooth, call by the name of contract.
1st Suit. O politic villain!
Val. But I'm resolved, gentlemen,
If the whole power of my estate can cast him,
He never shall obtain me.
2nd Suit. Hold you there, widow;
Well fare your heart for that i'faith.
1st Suit. Stay, stay, stay;
You broke no gold between you?
Val. We broke nothing, sir.
1st Suit. Nor drunk to one another?
Val. Not a drop, sir.
1st Suit. You're sure of this you speak?
Val. Most certain, sir.
1st Suit. Be of good comfort, wench: I'll undertake then,
At mine own charge, to overthrow him for thee.
Val. O, do but that, sir, and you bind me to you!
Here shall I try your goodness. I'm but a woman,
And, alas! ignorant in law businesses:
I'll bear the charge most willingly.
1st Suit. Not a penny;
Thy love will reward me.
Val. And where love must be,
It is all but one purse, now I think on't.
1st Suit. All comes to one, sweet widow.
2nd Suit. Are you so forward? [Aside.
1st Suit. I know his mates, Attilio and Francisco;
I'll get out process, and attach 'em all.
We'll begin first with them.
Val. I like that strangely.
1st Suit. I have a daughter run away, I thank her;
I'll be a scourge to all youth for her sake:
Some of 'em has got her up.
Val. Your daughter? what, sir, Martia?
1st Suit. Ay, a shake wed her!
I would have married her to a wealthy gentleman,
No older than myself; she was like to be shrewdly hurt, widow.
Val. It was too happy for her.
1st Suit. I'm of thy mind.
Farewell, sweet widow; I'll about this straight;
I'll have 'em all three put into one writ,
And so save charges.
Val. How I love your providence! [Exit 1st Suitor.
2nd Suit. Is my nose bored! I'll cross ye both for this,
Although it cost me as much o' the other side:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
I may get out of her what may undo her too.— [Aside.
Hark you, sweet widow, you must now take heed
You be of a sure ground, he'll! o'erthrow you else.
Val. Marry, fair hope, forbid!
2nd Suit. That will he: marry, le' me see, le' me see;
Pray how far passed it 'tween you and Ricardo?
Val. Farther, sir,
Than I would now it had; but I hope well yet.
2nd Suit. Pray, let me hear't; I've a shrewd guess o' the law.
Val. Faith, sir, I rashly gave ym hand and faith
To marry none but him.
2nd Suit. Indeed!
Val. Ay, trust me, sir.
2nd Suit. I'm very glad on't; I'm another witness,
And he shall have you now.
Val. What said you, sir?
2nd Suit. He shall not want money in an honest cause, widow;
I know I've enough, and I will have my humour.
Val. Are all the world betrayers?
2nd Suit. Pish, pish, widow!
You've borne me in hand this three months, and now fobbed me:
I've known the time when I could please a woman.
I'll not be laughed at now; when I'm crossed, I'm a tiger:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
Val. This only shows your malice to me,
The world knows you ha' small reason to help him,
So much in your debt already.
2nd Suit. Therefore I do't,
I have no way but that to help myself;
Though I lose you, I will not lose all, widow;
He marrying you, as I will follow't for him,
I'll make you pay his debts, or lie without him.
Val. I looked for this from you.
2nd Suit. I ha' not deceived you then: [Exit VALERIA.
Fret, vex, and chafe, I'm obstinate where I take.
I'll seek him out, and cheer him up against her:
I ha' no charge at all, no child of mine own,
But two I got once of a scouring-woman,
And they're both well provided for, they're i' the Hospital.
I have ten thousand pounds to bury me,
And I will have my humour. [Exit.
SCENE II.
A Street.
Enter FRANCISCO.
Fran. A man must have a time to serve his pleasure,
As well as his dear friend: I'm forced to steal from 'em,
To get this night of sport for mine own use.
What says her amiable, witty letter here?
[Reads.] "'Twixt nine and ten,"—now 'tis 'twixt six and seven;
As fit as can be; he that follows lechery
Leaves all at six and seven, and so do I, methinks:
Sun sets at eight, it's 'bove an hour high yet;
Some fifteen mile have I before I reach her,
But I've an excellent horse; and a good gallop
Helps man as much as a provoking banquet.
Enter 1st Suitor and Officers.
1st Suit. Here's one of 'em; begin with him first, officers.
1st Off. By virtue of this writ we attach your body, sir.
[Officers seize FRANCISCO.
Fran. My body? 'life, for what?
1st Suit. Hold him fast, officers.
1st Off. The least of us can do't, now his sword's off, sir;
We have a trick of hanging upon gentlemen,
We never lose a man.
Fran. O treacherous fortune!—
Why, what's the cause?
1st Suit. The widow's business, sir:
I hope you know me?
Fran. For a busy coxcomb,
This fifteen year, I take it.
1st Suit. O, you're mad, sir;
Simple though you make me, I stand for the widow.
Fran. She's simply stood for then: what's this to me, sir,
Or she, or you, or any of these flesh-hooks?
1st Suit. You're like to find good bail before you leave us,
Or lie till the suit's tried.
Fran. O my love's misery!
1st Suit. I'm put in trust to follow't, and I'll do't
With all severity; build upon that, sir.
Enter RICARDO and ATTILIO.
Fran. How I could curse myself!
Ric. Look, here's Francisco:
Will you believe me, now you see his qualities?
Att. 'Tis strange to me.
Ric. I tell you 'tis his fashion:
He never stole away in's life from me,
But still I found him in such scurvy company.—
A pox on thee, Francisco! wilt never leave
Thy old tricks? are these lousy companions for thee?
Fran. Pish, pish, pish!
1st Suit. Here they be all three now; 'prehend 'em, officers.
[Officers
seize RICARDO and ATTILIO.
Ric. What's this?
Fran. I gave you warning enough to make away;
I'm in for the widow's business, so are you now.
Ric. What, all three in a noose? this is like a widow's business
indeed.
1st Suit. Sh'as catched you, gentlemen, as you catched her.
The widow means now to begin with you, sir.
Ric. I thank her heartily, sh'as taught me wit; for had I
been any but
an ass, I should ha' begun with her indeed. By this light, the
widow's a notable
housewife! she bestirs herself. I have a greater mind to her now than e'er I
had: I cannot go to prison for one I love better, I protest; that's one good
comfort.—
And what are you, I pray, sir, for a coxcomb?
1st Suit. It seems you know me by your anger, sir.
Ric. I've a near guess at you, sir.
1st Suit. Guess what you please, sir,
I'm he ordained to trounce you, and indeed,
I am the man must carry her.
Ric. Ay, to me;
But I'll swear she's a beast, an she carry thee.
1st Suit. Come, where's your bail, sir? quickly, or away.
Ric. Sir, I'm held wrongfully; my bail's taken already.
1st Suit. Where is't, sir, where?
Ric. Here they be both. Pox on you, they were taken
before I'd need of
'em. An you be honest officers, let's bail one another; for, by this hand, I do
not know who will else.—
Enter 2nd Suitor.
'Ods light, is he come too? I'm in for midnight then;
I shall never find the way out again: my debts, my debts!
I'm like to die i' the Hole now.
1st Suit. We have him fast, old signior, and his consorts;
Now you may lay action on action on him.
2nd Suit. That may I, sir, i'faith.
1st Suit. And I'd not spare him, sir.
2nd Suit. Know you me, officers?
1st Off. Your bounteous worship, sir.
Ric. I know the rascal so well, I dare not look upon him.
2nd Suit. Upon my worth, deliver me that gentleman.
Fran. Which gentleman? 2nd Suit. Not you, sir, you're too
hasty;
No, nor you neither, sir; pray, stay your time.
Ric. There's all but I now, and I dare not think he means me.
2nd Suit. Deliver me Ricardo.
Ric. O, sure he lies,
Or else I do not hear well.
1st Off. Signior Ricardo—
Ric. Well, what's the matter?
1st Off. You may go; who lets you?
It is his worship's pleasure, sir, to bail you.
Ric. Bail me?
2nd Suit. Ay, will I, sir. Look in my face, man;
Thou'st a good cause; thou'lt pay me when thou'rt able?
Ric. Ay, every penny, as I'm a gentleman.
2nd Suit. No matter if thou dost not, then I'll make thee,
And that's as good at all times.
1st Suit. But, I pray, sir,—
You go against the hair there.
2nd Suit. Against the widow, you mean, sir;
Why, 'tis my purpose truly, and 'gainst you too:
I saw your politic combination;
I was thrust out between you. Here stands one
Shall do as much for you, and he stands rightest,
His cause is strong and fair; nor shall he want
Money, or means, or friends, but he shall have her:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
1st Suit. Hang thee! I have a purse as good as thine.
Ric. I think they're much alike, they're rich knaves both.—
[Aside.
Heart, an I take you railing at my patron, sir,
I'll cramp your joints!
2nd Suit. Let him alone, sweet honey;
I thank thee for thy love though.
Ric. This is wonderful!
Fran. O Ricardo,
'Tis seven struck in my pocket! I lose time now.
Ric. What say'st, Francisco?
Fran. I ha' mighty business
That I ne'er thought on; get me bailed, I'm spoilt else.
Ric. Why, you know, 'tis such a strange miraculous courtesy,
I dare not be too forward to ask more of him,
For fear he repent this, and turn me in again.
Fran. Do somewhat, an you love me!
Ric. I'll make trial, faith.—
May't please you, sir,—'life, if I should spoil all now!
2nd Suit. What say'st, Ricardo?
Ric. Only a thing by the way, sir;
Use your own pleasure.
2nd Suit. That I like well from thee.
Ric. 'Twere good, an those two gentlemen were bailed too;
They're both my witnesses.
2nd Suit. They're well, they're well:
An they were bailed, we know not where to find 'em.
Let 'em go to prison; they'll be forthcoming the better:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
Ric. I knew there was no more good to be done upon him:
Tis well I've this; Heaven knows I never looked for't.
Fran. What plaguy luck had I to be ensnared thus!
1st Off. O, patience!
Fran. Pox o' your comfortable ignorance!
Enter BRANDINO and MARTINO.
Bran. Martino, we ride slow.
Mar. But we ride sure, sir;
Your hasty riders often come short home, master.
Bran. Bless this fair company!
Fran. Here he's again too;
I am both shamed and crossed.
Bran. Seest thou who's yonder, Martino?
Mar. We ride slow, I'll be sworn now, master.
Bran. How now, Francisco, art thou got before me?
Fran. Yes, thank my fortune, I am got before you.
Bran. What, no, in hold?
Ric. Ay, o' my troth, poor gentleman!
Your worship, sir, may do a good deed to bail him.
Bran. Why do not you do't then?
Mar. La you, sir, now, my master has that honesty,
He's loath to take a good deed from you, sir.
Ric. I'll tell you why; I cannot, else I would, sir.
Fran. Luck, I beseech thee!
If he should be wrought to bail me now, to go to
His wife, 'twere happiness beyond expression. [Aside.
Bran. A matter but of controversy?
Ric. That's all, trust me, sir.
Bran. Francisco shall ne'er lie for't; he's my friend,
And I will bail him.
Mar. He's your secret friend, master;
Think upon that.
Bran. Give him his liberty, officers;
Upon my peril, he shall be forthcoming.
Fran. How I am bound to you!
1st Suit. Know you whom you cross, sir?
'Tis at your sister's suit; be well advised, sir.
Bran. How, at my sister's suit? take him again then.
Fran. Why, sir, do you refuse me?
Bran. I'll not hear thee.
Ric. This is unkindly done, sir.
1st Suit. 'Tis wisely done, sir.
2nd Suit. Well shot, foul malice!
1st Suit. Flattery stinks worse, sir.
Ric. You'll ne'er leave till I make you stink as bad, sir.
Fran. O Martino, have I this for my late kindness?
Mar. Alas! poor gentleman, dost complain to me?
Thou shalt not fare the worse for't.—Hark you, master,
Your sister's suit, said you?
Bran. Ay, sir, my wife's sister.
Mar. And shall that daunt you, master? think again:
Why, were't your mother's suit,—your mother's suit,
Mark what I say,—the dearest suit of all suits,
You're bound in conscience, sir, to bail this gentleman.
Bran. Yea, am I so? how prov'st thou that, Martino?
Mar. Have you forgot so soon what he did lately?
Has he not tried your wife to your hand, master,
To cut the throat of slander and suspicion?
And can you do too much for such a man?
Shall it be said, I serve an ingrateful master?
Bran. Never, Martino; I will bail him now,
An 'twere at my wife's suit.
Fran. 'Tis like to be so. [Aside.
Mar. And I his friend, to follow your example, master.
Fran. Precious Martino!
1st Suit. You've done wondrous well, sir;
Your sister shall give you thanks.
Ric. This makes him mad, sir.
2nd Suit. We'll follow't now to the proof.
1st Suit. Follow your humour out;
The widow shall find friends.
2nd Suit. And so shall he, sir,
Money and means.
Ric. Hear you me that, old huddle!
2nd Suit. Mind him not; follow me, and I'll supply thee;
[Exeunt 1st Suitor and Officers.
Thou shalt give all thy lawyers double fees:
I've buried money enough to bury me,
And I will have my humour.
[Exit with RICARDO and ATTILIO.
Bran. Fare thee well once again, my dear Francisco;
I prithee, use my house.
Fran. It is my purpose, sir.
Bran. Nay, you must do't then; though I'm old, I'm free. [Exit.
Mar. And when you want a warrant come to me. [Exit.
Fran. That will be shortly now, within this few hours.
This fell out strangely happy. Now to horse;
I shall be nighted:but an hour or two
Never breaks square in love; he comes in time
That comes at all; absence is all love's crime. [Exit.
ACT THE THIRD
SCENE I.
The Country.
Enter OCCULTO, SILVIO, STRATIO, FIDUCIO, and other Thieves.
OCC. Come, come, let's watch the event on yonder hill;
If he need help, we can relieve him suddenly.
Sil. Ay, and with safety too, the hill being watched, sir.
Occ. Have you the blue coats and the beards?
Sil. They're here, sir.
Occ. Come, come away, then; a fine cock-shoot evening. [Exeunt.
Enter LATROCINIO and MARTIA, disguised as a man.
Lat. [Sings.] Kuck before, and kuck behind, &c.
Martia. Troth, you're the merriest and delightfull'st company, sir,
That ever traveller was blest withal;
I praise my fortune that I overtook you, sir.
Lat. Pish, I've a hundred of 'em.
Martia. And believe me, sir,
I'm infinitely taken with such things.
Lat. I see there's music in you; you kept time, methought,
Pretty and handsomely with your little hand there.
Martia. It only shows desire, but, troth, no skill, sir.
Lat. Well, while our horses walk down yonder hill, sir,
I'll have another for you.
Martia. It rids way pleasantly.
Lat. Le' me see now—one confounds another, sir—
You've heard this certainly, "Come, my dainty doxies"?
Martia. O, that is all the country over, sir!
There's scarce a gentlewoman but has that pricked.
Lat. Well, here comes one I'm sure you never heard, then.
[Sings.] I keep my horse, I keep my whore,
I take no rents, yet am not poor;
I traverse all the land about,
And yet was born to never a foot;
With partridge plump, with woodcock fine,
I do at midnight often dine;
And if my whore be not in case,
My hostess' daughter has her place:
The maids sit up and watch their turns;
If I stay long, the tapster mourns;
The cookmaid has no mind to sin,
Though tempted by the chamberlin:
But when I knock, O how they bustle!
The ostler yawns, the geldings justle;
If maid but sleep, O how they curse her!
And all this comes of—Deliver your purse, sir!
Martia. How, sir?
Lat. Few words: quickly, come, deliver your purse, sir!
Martia. You're not that kind of gentleman, I hope, sir,
To sing me out of my money?
Lat. 'Tis most fit
Art should be rewarded: you must pay your music, sir,
Where'er you come.
Martia. But not at your own carving.
Lat. Nor am I common in't: come, come, your purse, sir!
Martia. Say it should prove the undoing of a gentleman?
Lat. Why, sir, do you look for more conscience in us than in usurers?
young gentleman, you've small reason for that, i'faith.
Martia. There 'tis, and all I have [Gives purse]; and, so truth
comfort me,
All I know where to have!
Lat. Sir, that's not written
In my belief yet; search—'tis a fine evening,
Your horse can take no harm—I must have more, sir.
Martia. May my hopes perish, if you have not all, sir!
And more, I know, than your compassionate charity
Would keep from me, if you but felt my wants.
Lat. Search, and that speedily: if I take you in hand,
You'll find me rough; methinks men should be ruled,
When they're so kindly spoke to: fie upon't!
Martia. [Aside.] Good fortune and my wit assist me then!
A thing I took in haste, and never thought on't.—
Look, sir, I've searched; here's all that I can find,
[Presents a pistol.
And you're so covetous, you'll have all, you say,
And I'm content you shall, being kindly spoke to.
Lat. A pox o' that young devil of a handful long,
That has frayed many a tall thief from a rich purchase!
Martia. This and my money, sir, keeps company;
Where one goes, the other must; assure your soul
They vowed never to part.
Lat. Hold, I beseech you, sir!
Martia. You rob a prisoner box an you rob me, sir.
Lat. There 'tis again. [Returns purse.
Martia. I knew 'twould never prosper with you;
Fie, rob a younger brother? O, take heed, sir!
'Tis against nature that: perhaps your father
Was one, sir, or your uncle; it should seem so,
By the small means was left you, and less manners.
Go, keep you still before me; and, do you hear me?
To pass away the time to the next town,
I charge you, sir, sing all your songs for nothing.
Lat. O, horrible punishment! [Sings.
Re-enter STRATIO, disguised as a servant.
Stra. Honest gentleman—
Martia. How now, what art thou?
Stra. Stand you in need of help?
I made all haste I could, my master charged me,
A knight of worship; he saw you first assaulted
From top of yonder hill.
Martia. Thanks, honest friend.
Lat. I taste this trick already. [Aside and exit.
Stra. Look, he's gone, sir;
Shall he be stopped? what is he?
Martia. Let him go, sir;
He can rejoice in nothing, that's the comfort.
Stra. You have your purse still then?
Martia. Ay, thanks fair fortune
And this grim handful!
Stra. We were all so 'fraid o' you;
How my good lady cried, O help the gentleman!
'Tis a good woman that. But you're too mild, sir
You should ha' marked him for a villain, faith,
Before h'ad gone, having so sound a means too.
Martia. Why, there's the jest, man; he had once my purse.
Stra. O villain! would you let him 'scape unmassacred?
Martia. Nay, hear me, sir, I made him yield it straight again,
And, so hope bless me, with an uncharged pistol.
Stra. Troth, I should laugh at that.
Martia. It was discharged, sir,
Before I meddled with't.
Stra. I'm glad to hear't. [Seizes her.
Martia. Why, how now! what's your will?
Stra. Ho, Latrocinio,
Occulto, Silvio!
Re-enter LATROCINIO, OCCULTO, SILVIO, FIDUCIO, and other Thieves.
Lat. What, are you caught, sir?
Stra. The pistol cannot speak.
Lat. He was too young.
I ever thought he could not; yet I feared him.
Martia. You've found out ways too merciless to betray,
Under the veil of friendship and of charity.
Lat. Away, sirs, bear him into the next copse and strip him.
Stra. Brandino's copse, the justice?
Lat. Best of all, sir, a man of law; a spider lies unsuspected in the
corner of a buckram bag, man.
Martia. What seek you, sirs? take all, and use no cruelty.
Lat. You shall have songs enough.
SONG.
By LATROCINIO and the other Thieves.
How round the world goes, and everything that's in it!
The tides of gold and silver ebb and flow in a minute:
From the usurer to his sons there's a current swiftly runs;
From the sons to queans in chief, from the gallant to the thief,
From the thief unto his host, from the host to husbandmen;
From the country to the court; and so it comes to us agen.
How round the world goes, and everything that's in it!
The tides of gold and silver ebb and flow in a minute.
Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Before BRANDINO'S House.
Enter PHILIPPA and VIOLETTA above, at a window.
Phil. What time of night is't?
Vio. Time of night do you call't?
It is so late, 'tis almost early, mistress.
Phil. Fie on him! there's no looking for him, then;
Why, sure this gentleman apprehends me not.
Vio. 'Tis happy then you're rid of such a fool, mistress.
Phil. Nay, sure, wench, if he find me not out in this,
Which were a beaten path to any wise man,
I'll never trust him with my reputation;
Therefore I made this trial of his wit:
If he cannot conceive what's good for himself,
He will worse understand what's good for me.
Vio. But suppose, mistress, as it may be likely,
He never saw your letter?
Phil. How thou pliest me.
With suppositions! why, I tell thee, wench,
'Tis equally as impossible for my husband
To keep it from him as to be young again,
Or as his first wife knew him, which he brags on
For bearing children by him.
Vio. There's no remedy then;
I must conclude Francisco is an ass.
Phil. I would my letter, wench, were here again!
I'd know him wiser ere I sent him one,
And travel some five year first.
Vio. So h'ad need, methinks,
To understand the words; methinks the words
Themselves should make him do't, had he but the perceiverance
Of a cock-sparrow, that will come at Philip,
And can nor write nor read, poor fool! this coxcomb
He can do both, and your name's but Philippa;
And yet to see, if he can come when's called!
Phil. He never shall be called again for me, sirrah.
Well, as hard as the world goes, we'll have a song, wench,
We'll not sit up for nothing.
Vio. That's poor comfort though.
Phil. Better than any's brought, for aught I see yet:
So set to your lute. [They sing.
Phil. If in this question I propound to thee
Be any, any choice,
Let me have thy voice.
Vio. You shall most free.
Phil. Which hadst thou rather be,
If thou might choose thy life,
A fool's, a fool's mistress,
Or an old man's wife?
Vio. The choice is hard, I know not which is best;
One ill you're bound to, and I think that's least.
Phil. But being not bound, my dearest sweet,
I could shake off the other.
Vio. Then, as you lose your sport by one,
You lose your name by t'other.
Phil. You counsel well, but love refuses
What good counsel often chooses. [Exeunt above.
Enter MARTIA in a shirt.
Martia. I ha' got myself unbound yet; merciless villains,
I never felt such hardness since life dwelt in me;
'Tis for my sins. That light in yonder window,
That was my only comfort in the woods,
Which oft the trembling of a leaf would lose me,
Has brought me thus far; yet I cannot hope
For succour in this plight, the world's so pitiless,
And every one will fear or doubt me now:
To knock will be too bold; I'll to the gate,
And listen if I can hear any stirring.
Enter FRANCISCO.
Fran. Was ever man so crossed? no, 'tis but sweat, sure,
Or the dew dropping from the leaves above me;
I thought't had bled again. These wenching businesses
Are strange unlucky things and fatal fooleries;
No mar'l so many gallants die ere thirty;
'Tis able to vex out a man's heart in five year,
The crosses that belong to't: first, arrested,
That set me back two mangy hours at least;
Yet that's a thing my heat could have forgiven,
Because arresting, in what kind soever,
Is a most gentleman-like affliction;
But here, within a mile o' the town, forsooth,
And two mile off this place, when a man's oath
Might ha' been taken for his own security,
And his thoughts brisk and set upon the business,
To light upon a roguy flight of thieves!
Pox on 'em, here's the length of one of their whittles:
But one of my dear rascals I pursued so,
The gaol has him, and he shall bring out's fellows.
Had ever young man's love such crooked fortune?
I'm glad I'm so near yet; the surgeon bade me too
Have a great care; I shall ne'er think of that now.
Martia. One of the thieves come back again? I'll stand close;
He dares not wrong me now, so near the house,
And call in vain 'tis, till I see him offer't.
Fran. 'Life, what should that be? a prodigious thing
Stands just as I should enter, in that shape too
Which always appears terrible.
Whate'er it be, it is made strong against me
By my ill purpose; for 'tis man's own sin
That puts an armour upon all his evils,
And gives them strength to strike him: were it less
Than what it is, my guilt would make it serve:
A wicked man's own shadow has distracted him.
Were this a business now to save an honour,
As 'tis to spoil one, I would pass this then,
Stuck all hell's horrors i' thee: now I dare not.
Why may't not be the spirit of my father,
That loved this man so well, whom I make haste
Now to abuse? and I've been crossed about it
Most fearfully hitherto, if I well think on't;
Scaped death but lately too, nay, most miraculously.
And what does fond man venture all these ills for,
That may so sweetly rest in honest peace?
For that which, being obtained, is as he was
To his own sense, but removed nearer still
To death eternal. What delight has man
Now at this present for his pleasant sin
Of yesterday's committing? 'las, 'tis vanished,
And nothing but the sting remains within him!
The kind man bailed me too; I will not do't now
An 'twere but only that. How blest were man
Might he but have his end appear still to him,
That he might read his actions i' the event!
'Twould make him write true, though he never meant.
Whose check soe'er thou art, father's, or friend's,
Or enemy's, I thank thee; peace requite thee!
Light, and the lighter mistress, both farewell!
He keeps his promise best that breaks with hell. [Exit.
Martia. He's gone to call the rest, and makes all speed;
I'll knock, whate'er befalls, to please my fears,
For no compassion can be less than theirs.
[Knocks at the door.
Re-enter PHILIPPA and VIOLETTA above.
Phil. He's come, he's come!—O, are you come at last, sir?
Make little noise.—Away, he'll knock again else.
[Exit above with VIOLETTA.
Martia. I should have been at Istria, by daybreak too;
Near to Valeria's house, the wealthy widow's;
There waits one purposely to do me good.
What will become of me?
Enter VIOLETTA.
Vio. O, you are a sweet gallant! this your hour?
Give me your hand; come, come, sir, follow me,
I'll bring you to light presently: softly, softly, sir.
[Exeunt.
SCENE III.
A Room in BRANDINO'S House.
Enter PHILIPPA.
Phil. I should ha' given him up to all my thoughts
The dullest young man, if he had not found it;
So short of apprehension and so worthless,
He were not fit for woman's fellowship;
I've been at cost too for a banquet for him:
Why, 'twould ha' killed my heart, and most especially
To think that man should ha' no more conceit;
I should ha' thought the worse on's wit for ever,
And blamed mine own for too much forwardness.
Enter VIOLETTA.
Vio. O mistress, mistress!
Phil. How now, what's the news?
Vio. O, I was out of my wits for a minute and a half!
Phil. Hah!
Vio. They are scarce settled yet, mistress.
Phil. What's the matter?
Vio. Do you ask that seriously?
Did you not hear me squeak?
Phil. How? sure thou art
Out of thy wits indeed.
Vio. O, I'm well now
To what I was, mistress.
Phil. Why, where's the gentleman? Vio. The gentleman's
forthcoming, and a lovely one,
But not Francisco.
Phil. What say'st? not Francisco?
Vio. Pish, he's a coxcomb! think not on him, mistress.
Phil. What's all this?
Vio. I've often heard you say, ye'd rather have
A wise man in his shirt than a fool feathered;
And now fortune has sent you one, a sweet young gentleman,
Robbed even to nothing, but what first he brought with him:
The slaves had stripped him to the very shirt, mistress;
I think it was a shirt; I know not well,
For gallants wear both now-a-days.
Phil. This is strange.
Vio. But for a face, a hand, and as much skin
As I durst look upon, he's a most sweet one;
Francisco is a child of Egypt to him:
I could not but, in pity to the poor gentleman,
Fetch him down one of my old master's suits.
Phil. 'Twas charitably done.
Vio. You'd say, mistress, if you had seen him as I did. Sweet youth!
I'll be sworn, mistress, he's the loveliest, properest young gentleman, and so
you'll say yourself, if my master's clothes do not spoil him, that's all the
fear now; I would't had been your luck to have seen him without 'em, but for
scaring on you.
Phil. Go. prithee, fetch him in, whom thou commend'st so. [Exit
VIOLETTA.
Since fortune sends him, surely we'll make much on him;
And better he deserves our love and welcome
Than the respectless fellow 'twas prepared for:
Yet, if he please mine eye never so happily,
I will have trial of his wit and faith
Before I make him partner with my honour.
'Twas just Francisco's case, and he deceived me,
I'll take more heed o' the next for't: perhaps now,
To furnish his distress, he will appear
Full of fair, promising courtship; but I'll prove him then
For a next meeting, when he needs me not,
And see what he performs then when the storm
Of his so rude misfortunes is blown over,
And he himself again. A distressed man's flatteries
Are like vows made in drink, or bonds in prison;
There's poor assurance in em: when he's from me,
And in's own power, then I shall see his love.
'Mass, here he comes.
Enter MARTIA in BRANDINOS clothes, and VIOLETTA.
Martia. Never was star-crossed gentleman
More happy in a courteous virgin's love
Than I in yours.
Vio. I'm sorry they're no better for you;
I wished 'em handsomer and more in fashion,
But truly, sir, our house affords it not:
There is a suit of our clerk's hangs i' the garret,
But that's far worse than this, if I may judge
With modesty of men's matters.
Martia. I deserve not this,
Dear and kind gentlewoman. Is yond your mistress?
Phil. Why, trust me, here's my husband young again!—
It is no sin to welcome you, sweet gentleman.
Martia. I am so much indebted, courteous lady,
To the unmatchèd charity of your house,
My thanks are such poor things they would but shame me.
Phil. Beshrew thy heart for bringing o' him! I fear me
I have found wit enough already in him
If I could truly but resolve myself
My husband was thus handsome at nineteen,
Troth, I should think the better of him at fourscore now.
Vio. Nay, mistress, what would he be, were he in fashion—
A hempen curse on those that put him out on't!—
That now appears so handsome and so comely
In clothes able to make a man an unbeliever
And good for nothing but for shift, or so,
If a man chance to fall i' the ditch with better?
This is the best that ever I marked in 'em,—
A man may make him ready in such clothes
Without a candle.
Phil. Ay, for shame of himself, wench.
Vio. My master does it oft in winter mornings,
And never sees himself till he be ready.
Phil. No, nor then neither, as he should do, wench.—
I'm sorry, gentle sir, we cannot show you
A courtesy in all points answerable
To your undoubted worth: your name, I crave, sir.
Martia. Ansaldo, lady.
Phil. 'Tis a noble name, sir.
Martia. The most unfortunate now!
Vio. So do I think truly,
As long as that suit's on.
Phil. The most unfitting
And unprovided'st, sir, of all our courtesies,
I do presume is that you've passed already;
Your pardon but for that, and we're encouraged.
Martia. My faithful service, lady.
Phil. Please you, sir, to taste the next,
A poor slight banquet, for sure I think you were
Unluckily prevented of your supper, sir.
Martia. My fortune makes me more than amends. lady,
In your sweet kindness, which so nobly shown to me,
It makes me bold to speak my occasions to you:
I am this morning, that with clearness now
So cheerfully hastens me, to meet a friend
Upon my state's establishing, and the place
Ten mile from hence: O, I am forced unwillingly
To crave your leave for't, which done, I return
In service plentiful.
Phil. Is't so important?
Martia. If I should fail, as much as my undoing.
Phil. I think too well of you, t' undo you, sir,
Upon this small acquaintance.
Martia. My great happiness!
Phil. But when should I be sure of you here again, sir?
Martia. As fast as speed can possibly return me.
Phil. You will not fail?
Martia. May never wish go well with me then!
Phil. There's to bear charges, sir. [Gives purse.
Martia. Courtesy dwells in you:
I brought my horse up with me from the woods,
That's all the good they left me, 'gainst their wills too.
May your kind breast never want comfort, lady,
But still supplied as liberally as you give!
Phil. Farewell, sir, and be faithful.
Martia. Time shall prove me. [Exit.
Phil. In my opinion, now, this young man's likeliest
To keep his word; he's modest, wise, and courteous,
He has the language of an honest soul in him;
A woman's reputation may lie safe there,
I'm much deceived else; h'as a faithful eye
If it be well observed.
Vio. Good speed be with the
He puts him to't, i'faith. [Looking out.
Phil. Violetta.
Vio. Mistress?
Phil. Alas, what have we done, wench?
Vio. What's the matter, mistress?
Phil. Run, run, call him again; he must stay, tell him,
Though be upon's undoing; we're undone else;
Your master's clothes, they're known the country over.
Vio. Now, by this light, that's true, and well remembered;
But there's no calling of him, he's out of sight now.
Phil. O, what will people think?
Vio. What can they think, mistress?
The gentleman has the worst on't: were I he now,
I'd make this ten mile forty mile about,
Before I'd ride through any market-town with 'em.
Phil. Will he be careful, think'st?
Vio. My life for yours, mistress.
Phil. I shall long mightily to see him agen.
Vio. And so shall I; I shall ne'er laugh till then.
[Exeunt.
ACT THE FOURTH.
SCENE I.
Near VALERIA'S House.
Enter RICARDO and 2nd Suitor at one door, and VALERIA and
1st Suitor at the other.
RIC. It goes well hitherto, my sweet protector.
2nd Suit. Ay, and shall still to the end, to the end, my honey:
Wherefore have I enough, but to have't go well, sir?
1st Suit. My whole state on't, thou overthrow'st him, widow.
Val. I hope well still, sir.
1st Suit. Hope? be certain, wench:
I make no question now but thou art mine,
As sure as if I had thee in thy night-gear.
Val. By'r lady, that I doubt, sir.
1st Suit. O, 'tis clear, wench,
By one thing that I marked.
Val. What's that, good, sweet sir?
1st Suit. A thing that never failed me.
Val. Good sir, what?
1st Suit. I heard our counsellor speak a word of comfort,
Invita voluntate; ha, that's he, wench,
The word of words, the precious chief, i'faith!
Val. Invita voluntate; what's the meaning, sir?
1st Suit. Nay, there I leave vou, but assure you thus much,
I never heard him speak that word i' my life,
But the cause went on's side, that I marked ever.
2nd Suit. Do, do, and spare not: thou wouldst talk with her?
Ric. Yes, with your leave and liking.
2nd Suit. Do, my adoption,
My chosen child; an thou hold'st so obedient,
Sure thou wilt live and cozen all my kindred.
Ric. A child's part in your love, that's my ambition, sir.
2nd Suit. Go, and deserve it then; please me well now;
I love wrangling a' life, boy, there's my delight;
I have no other venery but vexation,
That's all, my honey, now: smartly now to her;
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
Ric. This need not ha' been, widow.
Val. You say right, sir;
No, nor your treachery, your close conspiracy
Against me for my wealth, need not ha' been neither.
Ric. I had you fairly; I scorn treachery
To your woman that I never meant to marry,
Much more to you, whom I reserved for wife.
Val. How? wife!
Ric. Ay, wife, wife, widow; be not ashamed on't,
It's the best calling ever woman came to,
And all your grace indeed, brag as you list.
2nd Suit. Ha, ha!
Val. I grant you, sir, but not to be your wife
1st Suit. O, O!
Ric. Not mine? I think 'tis the best bargain
That e'er thou mad'st i' thy life, or ever shall again,
When my head's laid, but that's not yet this threescore year;
Let's talk of nearer matters.
Val. You're as near, sir,
As e'er you're like to be, if law can right me.
Ric. Now, before conscience, you're a wilful housewife.
Val. How?
Ric. Ay, and I fear you spend my goods lavishly.
Val. Your goods?
Ric. I shall miss much, I doubt me,
When I come to look over the inventory.
Val. I'll give you my word you shall, sir.
Ric. Look to't, widow;
A night may come will call you to account for't.
Val. O, if you had me now, sir, in this heat,
I do but think how you'd be revenged on me!
Ric. Ay, may I perish else, if I would not get
Three children at a birth, an I could, o' thee!
1st Suit. Take off your youngster there.
2nd Suit. Take off your widow first;
He shall have the last word, I pay for't dearly.-
To her again, sweet boy, that side's the weaker:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
Enter BRANDINO and MARTINO.
Val. O brother, see I'm up to the ears in law here!
Look, copy upon copy.
Bran. 'Twere grief enough.
If a man did but hear on't, but I am
In pain to see it.
Val. What, sore eyes still, brother?
Bran. Worse and worse, sister; the old woman's water
Does me no good.
Val. Why, 't'as helped many, sir.
Bran. It helps not me, I'm sure.
Mar. O, O!
Val. What ails Martino, too?
Mar. O, O, the toothache, the toothache!
Bran. Ah, poor worm! this he endures for me now:
There beats not a more mutual pulse of passion
In a kind husband when his wife breeds child
Than in Martino; I ha' marked it ever;
He breeds all my pains in's teeth still, and to quit me,
It is his eye-tooth too.
Mar. Ay, ay, ay, ay.
Val. Where did I hear late of a skilful fellow,
Good for all kind of maladies? true, true, sir;
His flag hangs out in town here i' the Cross Inn,
With admirable cures of all conditions;
It shows him a great travelling and learned empiric.
Bran. We'll both to him, Martino.
Val. Hark you, brother;
Perhaps you may prevail, as one indifferent.
1st Suit. Ay, about that, sweet widow.
Val. True; speak low, sir.
Bran. Well, what's the business? say, say.
Val. Marry, this, brother;
Call the young man aside from the old wolf there,
And whisper in his ear a thousand dollars,
If he will vanish and let fall the suit,
And never put's to no more cost and trouble.
1st Suit. Say me those words, good sir, I'll make 'em worth
A chain of gold to you at your sister's wedding.
Bran. I shall do much for that.
Enter VIOLETTA
Val. Welcome, sweetheart,
Thou com'st most happily; I'm bold to send for thee
To make a purpose good.
Vio. I take delight, forsooth,
In any such employment.
1st Suit. Good wench, trust me.
Ric. How, sir, let fall the suit? 'life, I'll go naked first.
Bran. A thousand dollars, sir; think upon them.
Ric. Why, they're but a thousand dollars, when they're thought on.
Bran. A good round sum.
Ric. A good round widow's better;
There's meat and money too. I have been bought
Out of my lands and yielded; but, sir, scorn
To be bought out of my affection.
Bran. Why, here's even just my university spirit;
I prized a piece of red deer above gold then.
Ric. My patron would be mad, an he should hear on't.
Mar. I pray, what's good, sir, for a wicked tooth?
Ric. Hanged, drawn, and quartering: is't a hollow one?
Mar. Ay, 'tis a hollow one.
Ric. Then take the powder
Of a burnt warrant, mixed with oil of felon
Mar. Why, sure you mock me.
Ric. Troth, I think I do, sir.
2nd Suit. Come hither, honey; what's the news? in whispers.
Bran. He will not be bought out.
Val. No? that's strange, brother:
Pray take a little pains about this project then
And try what that effects.
Bran. I like this better.—
Look you, sweet gentles, see what I produce here
For amity's sake and peace, to end all controversy;
This gentlewoman, my charge, left by her friends,
Whom for her person and her portion
I could bestow most richly, but in pity
To her affection, which lies bent at you, sir
I am content to yield to her desire.
Ric. At me!
Bran. But for this jar, 't had ne'er been offered.
I bring you flesh and money, a rich heir,
And a maid too, and that's a thing worth thanks, sir;
Nay, one that has rid fifteen mile this morning
For your love only.
2nd Suit. Honey, hearken after her;
Being rich, I can have all my money there;
Ease my purse well, and never wage law further:
I have enough, yet I will have my humour.
Ric. Do you love me, forsooth?
Vio. O, infinitely!
Ric. I do not ask thee, that I meant to have thee,
But only to know what came in thy head to love me.
Vio. My time was come, sir; that's all I can say.
Ric. 'Las, poor soul! where didst thou love me first, prithee?
Vio. In happy hour be't spoke, out at a window, sir.
Ric. A window? prithee, clap't to, and call it in again:
What was I doing then, should make thee love me?
Vio. Twirling your band-string, which, methought, became you
So generously well.
Ric. 'Twas a good quality to choose a husband for; that love was
likely
to be tied in matrimony that begun in a band-string; yet I ha' known as much
come to pass ere now upon a tassel. Fare you well, sister; I may be
cozened in a
maid, I cannot in a widow.
2nd Suit. Art thou come home again? stick'st thou there still?
I will defend thee still, then.
1st Suit. Sir, your malice
Will have enough on't.
2nd Suit. I will have my humour.
1st Suit. Beggary will prove the spong
2nd Suit. Sponge i' thy gascoyns,
Thy gally-gascoyns there!
Ric. Ha, brave protector!
Bran. I thought 'twould come to open was again:
Let 'em agree as they will, two testy fops!
I'll have a care of mine eyes.
Mar. I of my chops. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
A Room in the Cross Inn.
Enter LATROCINIO disguised as an empiric, and OCCULTO as his man.
Lat. Away, out with the banner! send's good luck to-day!
Occ. I warrant you; your name's spread, sir, for an
empiric: [Hanging
up a banner of cures and diseases.
There's an old mason troubled with the stone
Has sent to you this morning for your counsel;
He would have ease fain.
Lat. Marry, I cannot blame him, sir;
But how he will come by't, there lies the question.
Occ. You must do somewhat, sir; for he's swoln most piteously;
Has urine in him now was brewed last March.
Lat. 'Twill be rich gear for dyers.
Occ. I would 'twere come to that, sir
Lat. Le' me see,
I'll send him a whole musket-charge of gunpowder.
Occ. Gunpowder!
What, sir, to break the stone?
Lat. Ay, by my faith, sir,
It is the likeliest thing I know to do't;
I'm sure it breaks stone walls and castles down
I see no reason but't should break the stone.
Occ. Nay, use your pleasure, sir.
Lat. Troth, if that do not,
I ha' nothing else that will
Occ. I know that too.
Lat. Why, then. thou'rt a coxcomb to make question on't.
Go call in all the rest, I've employment for them.
[Exit OCCULTO.
When the highways grow thin with travellers,
And few portmanteaus stirring, as all trades
Have their dead time we see, thievery poor takings,
And lechery cold doings, and so forwards still;
Then do I take my inn, and those curmudgeons
Whose purses I can never get abroad,
I take 'em at more ease here i' my chamber,
And make 'em come to me; it's more state-like too
Hang him that has but one way to his trade!
He's like a mouth that eats but on one side,
And half-cozens his belly, 'specially if he dine 'mong shavers
And both-handed feeders.—Stratio, Silvio, and Fiducio!
Enter SILVIO, STRATIO, and FIDUCIO.
I will have none left out, there's parts for you.
Sil. For us? pray let us have 'em.
Lat. Change yourselves
With all speed possible into several shapes,
Far from your own: as, you a farmer, sir;
A grazier you; and you may be a miller.
Fid. O no, a miller comes too near a thief;
That may spoil all again.
Lat. Some country tailor then.
Fid. That's near enough, by'r lady, yet I'll venture that;
The miller's a white devil; he wears his theft
Like innocence in badges most apparently
Upon his nose, sometimes between his lips;
The tailor modestly between his legs.
Lat. Why, pray, do you 'present that modest thief, then;
And hark you, for the purpose.
Sil. 'Twill improve you, sir.
Lat. 'Twill get believers, believe that, my masters,
Repute and confidence, and make all things clearer;
When you see any come, repair you to me,
As samples of my skill: there are few arts
But have their shadows, sirs, to set 'em off;
Then where the art itself is but a shadow,
What need is there, my friends! Make haste, away, sirs. [Exeunt SILVIO,
STRATIO, and FIDUCIO
Re-enter OCCULTO.
Occ. Where are you, sir?
Lat. Not far, man; what's the news?
Occ. The old justice, sir, whom we robbed once by moonlight,
And bound his man and he in haycock time
With a rope made of horse meat, and in pity
Left their mares by 'em, which, I think, ere midnight
Did eat their hay-bound masters both at liberty—
Lat. 'Life, what of him, man?
Occ. He's inquiring earnestly
For the great man of art, indeed for you, sir:
Therefore withdraw, sweet sir; make yourself dainty now,
And that's three parts of any profession.
Lat. I have enough on't. [Exit.
Enter MARTIA in BRANDINO'S clothes.
Occ. [Aside] How now, what thing's this?
Now, by this light, the second part o' the justice
Newly revived, with never a hair on's face.
It should be the first rather by his smoothness,
But I ha' known the first part written last:
'Tis he, or let me perish, the young gentleman
We robbed and stripped; but I am far from knowledge now.
Martia. One word, I pray, sir.
Occ. With me, gentle sir?
Martia. Was there not lately seen about these parts, sir,
A knot of fellows, whose conditions
Are privily suspected?
Occ. Why do you ask, sir?
Martia. There was a poor young gentleman robbed last night.
Occ. Robbed?
Martia. Stripped of all, i'faith. Occ. O beastly rascals!
'Las, what was he?
Martia. Look o' me, and know him, sir.
Occ. Hard-hearted villains! strip? troth, when I saw you,
Methought those clothes were never made for you, sir.
Martia. Want made me glad o' 'em.
Occ. Send you better fortunes, sir!—
That we may have a bout with you once again. [Aside.
Martia. I thank you for your wish of love, kind sir.
Occ. 'Tis with my heart, i'faith; now store of coin
And better clothes be with you!
Martia. There's some honest yet,
And charitably-minded. How, what's here to do?
[Reads on the banner.
"Here within this place is cured
All the griefs that were ever endured."
Nay, there thou liest; I endured one last night
Thou canst not cure this morning; a strange promiser!
[Reads.] "Palsy, gout, hydropic humour,
Breath that stinks beyond perfumer,
Fistula in ano, ulcer, megrim,
Or what disease soe'er beleaguer 'em,
Stone, rupture, squinancy, imposthume
Yet too dear it shall not cost 'em"
That's conscionably said, i'faith.
[Reads.] "In brief, you cannot, I assure you,
Be unsound so fast as I can cure you."
By'r lady, you shall pardom me, I'll not try't, sir.
Enter BRANDINO and MARTINO.
Bran. Martino, is not yond my hinder parts?
Mar. Yes, and your fore parts too, sir.
Bran. I trow soI never saw my hind parts in my life else,
No, nor my fore ones neither.—What are you, sir?
Are you a justice, pray?
Martia. A justice? no, truly.
Bran. How came this suit to you, then?
Martia. How this suit?
Why, must he needs be a justice, sir, that wears it?
Bran. You'll find it so; 'twas made for nobody else:
I paid for't.
Martia. O strange fortune! I have undone
The charitable woman. [Aside.
Bran. He'll be gone.
Martino, hold him fast, I'll call for aid.
Martia. Hold me? O curse of fate!
[Strikes MARTINO.
Mar. O master, master!
Bran. What ails Martino?
Mar. In my conscience,
H'as beat out the wrong tooth: I feel it now
Three degrees off.
Bran. O slave, spoiled a fine penman!
Martia. He lacked good manners, though: lay hands o' me!
I scorn all the deserts that belong to it.
Re-enter LATROCINIO.
Lat. Why, how now? what's the broil?
Bran. The man of art,
I take you, sir, to be.
Lat. I'm the professor
Of those slight cures you read of in the banner.
Bran. Our business was to you, most skilful sir;
But in the way to you, right worshipful,
I met a thief.
Lat. A thief!
Bran. With my clothes on, sir:
Let but the hose be searched, I'll pawn my life
There's yet the tailor's bill in one o' the pockets,
And a white thimble that I found i' moonlight—
Thou saw'st me when I put it in, Martino?
Mar. Oy, oy!
Bran. O, h'as spoiled
The worthiest clerk that e'er drew warrant here!
Lat. Sir, you're a stranger, but I must deal plain with you;
That suit of clothes must needs come oddly to you.
Martia. I dare not say which way, that's my affliction. [Aside.
Lat. Is not your worship's name Signior Brandino, sir?
Bran. It has been so these threescore years and upwards.
Lat. I heard there was a robbery done last night
Near to your house.
Martia. You heard a truth then, sir,
And I the man was robbed.
Lat. Ah, that's too gross!—
Send him away for fear of farther mischief;
I do not like him, he's a cunning knave.
Bran. I want but aid.
Lat. Within there!
Enter Servants.
Bran. Seize upon
That impudent thief.
Martia. Then hear me speak.
Bran. Away!
I'll neither hear thee speak, nor wear those clothes again.—
To prison with the varlet!
Martia. How am I punished!
Bran. I'll make thee bring out all before I leave thee.
[Exeunt Servants with MARTIA.
Lat. You've took an excellent course with this bold villain, sir.
Bran. I'm sworn for service to the commonwealth, sir.
Enter SILVIO, STRATIO, and FIDUCIO disguised.
What are these, learnèd sir?
Lat. O, they're my patients.—
Good morrow, gout, rupture, and palsy
Stra. 'Tis farewell gout almost, I thank your worship.
Lat. What, no, you cannot part so soon, I hope?
You came but lately to me.
Stra. But most happily;
I can go near to leap, sir. [Leaps.
Lat. What, you cannot?
Away, I say! take heed, be not too vent'rous though;
I've had you but three days, remember that.
Stra. Those three are better than three hundred, sir.
[Leaps.
Lat. Yet again!
Stra. Ease takes pleasure to be known, sir.
Lat. You with the rupture there, hernia in scrotum,
Pray let me see your space this morning; walk, sir,
I'll take your distance straight; 'twas F.O. yesterday:
Ah, sirrah, here's a simple alteration!
Secundo gradu, ye F.U. already;
Here's a most happy change. Be of good comfort, sir;
Your knees are come within three inches now
Of one another; by to-morrow noon,
I'll make 'em kiss and jostle.
Sil. Bless your worship!
Bran. You've a hundred prayers in a morning, sir.
Lat. Faith, we have a few to pass away the day with.—
Tailor, you had a stitch?
Fid. O, good your worship,
I have had none since Easter: were I rid
But of this whoreson palsy, I were happy;
I cannot thread my needle.
Lat. No? that's hard;
I never marked so much.
Fid. It comes by fits, sir.
Lat. Alas, poor man!—What would your worship say now
To see me help this fellow at an instant?
Bran. And make him firm from shaking
Lat. As a steeple,
From the disease on't.
Bran. 'Tis to me miraculous.
Lat. You with your whoremaster disease, come hither;
Here, take me this round glass, and hold it steadfast;
[Gives glass.
Yet more, sir; yet, I say; so.
Bran. Admirable!
Lat. Go, live, and thread thy needle.
Bran. Here, Martino:—
Alas, poor fool, his mouth is full of praises,
And cannot utter 'em.
Lat. No? what's the malady?
Bran. The fury of a tooth.
Lat. A tooth? ha, ha!
I thought 't had been some gangrene, fistula,
Canker, or ramex.
Bran. No, it's enough as 'tis, sir.
Lat. My man shall ease that straight.—Sit you down there,
sir.— [MARTINO seats himself.
Take the tooth, sirrah, daintily, insensibly—
But what's your worship's malady? that's for me, sir.
Bran. Marry, pray, look you, sir; your worship's counsel
About mine eyes.
Lat. Sore eyes? that's nothing too, sir.
Bran. By'r lady, I that feel it think it somewhat.
Lat. Have you no convulsions, pricking aches, sir,
Ruptures, or apostemates?
Bran. No, by my faith, sir,
Nor do I desire to have 'em.
Lat. Those are cures;
There do I win my fame, sir.—Quickly, sirrah,
Reach me the eye-cup hither.
[OCCULTO gives him the eye-cup
Do you make water well, sir?
Bran. I'm all well there.
Lat. You feel no grief i' the kidney?
Bran. Sound, sound, sound, sir.
Lat. O, here's a breath, sir, I must talk withal,
One of these mornings.
Bran. There I think, i'faith,
I am to blame indeed, and my wife's words
Are come to pass, sir.
Mar. O, O! 'tis not that, 'tis not that!
[While OCCULTO gives a pull at one of his teeth.
It is the next beyond it; there, there, there!
Occ. The best have their mistakings: now I'll fit you, sir.
Bran. What's that, sweet sir, that comforts with his coolness?
Lat. O, sovereign gear: wink hard, and keep it in, sir.
[While he applies the eye-cup to BRANDINO, he picks his
pocket.
Mar. O, O, O!
Occ. Nay, here he goes; one twitch more, and he comes, sir.
[While he draws one of MARTINO'S teeth, he picks his pocket.
Mar. Auh, ho!
Occ. Spit out; I told you he was gone, sir.
Bran. How cheers Martino?
Mar. O, I can answer you now, master;
I feel great ease, sir.
Bran. So do I, Martino.
Mar. I'm rid of a sore burden, for my part, master,
Of a scald little one.
Lat. Please but your worship now
To take three drops of the rich water with you,
I'll undertake your man shall cure you, sir,
At twice i' your chamber.
Bran. Shall he so, sir?
Lat. I will uphold him in't.
Mar. Then will I do't, sir.
Lat. How lively your man's now!
Mar. O, I'm so light, methinks,
Over I was!
Bran. What is't contents your worship?
Lat. Even what your worship please; I'm not mercenary.
Bran. My purse is gone, Martino!
Lat. How, your purse, sir!
Bran. 'Tis gone, i'faith; I've been among some rascals.
Mar. And that's a thing
I ever gave you warning of, master; you care not
What company you run into.
Bran. Lend me some money; chide me anon, I prithee.
A pox on 'em for vipers! they ha' sucked blood o' me.
Mar. O master!
Bran. How now, man?
Mar. My purse is gone too!
Bran. How?
I'll ne'er take warning more of thee while I live then;
Thou art an hypocrite, and art not fit
To give good counsel to thy master, that
Canst not keep from ill company thyself.
Lat. This is most strange, sir; both your purses gone!
Mar. Sir, I'd my hand on mine when I came in.
Lat. Are you but sure of that? O, would you were!
Mar. As I'm of ease.
Lat. Then they're both gone one way,
Be that your comfort.
Bran. Ay, but what way's that, sir?
Lat. That close knave in your clothes has got 'em both;
'Tis well you've clapped him fast.
Bran. Why, that's impossible.
Lat. O, tell not me, sir! I ha' known purses gone,
And the thief stand and look one full i' the face,
As I may do your worship and your man now.
Mar. Nay, that's most certain, master.
Bran. I will make
That rascal in my clothes answer all this then,
And all the robberies that have been done
Since the moon changed.—Get you home first, Martino,
And know if any of my wife's things are missing,
Or any more of mine: tell her he's taken,
And by that token he has took both our purses.
Mar. That's an ill token, master.
Bran. That's all one, sir,
She must have that or nothing; for I'm sure
The rascal has left nothing else for a token.
Begone!
Make haste again, and meet me part o' the way.
Mar. I'll hang the villain,
An 'twere for nothing but the souse he gave me. [Exit.
Bran. Sir, I depart ashamed of my requital,
And leave this seal-ring with you as a pledge
Of further thankfulness. [Gives ring.
Lat. No, I beseech you, sir.
Bran. Indeed you shall, sir.
Lat. O, your worship's word, sir.
Bran. You shall have my word too, for a rare gentleman
As e'er I met withal.
Lat. Clear sight be with you, sir,— [Exit BRANDINO.
If conduit-water, and my hostess' milk,
That comes with the ninth child now, may afford it!—
'Life, I feared none but thee, my villanous tooth-drawer.
Occ. There was no fear of me; I've often told you
I was bound prentice to a barber once,
But ran away i' the second year.
Lat. Ay, marry,
That made thee give a pull at the wrong tooth,
And me afraid of thee. What have we there, sirs?
Occ. Some threescore dollars i' the master's purse,
And sixteen in the clerk's, a silver seal,
Two or three amber beads, and four blank warrants.
Lat. Warrants! where be they? the best news came yet:
'Mass, here's his hand, and here's his seal; I thank him:
This comes most luckily; one of our fellows
Was took last night, we'll set him first at liberty,
And other good boys after him; and if he
In the old justice's suit, whom we robbed lately,
Will come off roundly, we'll set him free too.
Occ. That were a good deed, faith; we may, in pity.
Lat. There's nothing done merely for pity now-a-days,
Money or ware must help too.
SONG
In parts, by LATROCINIG and the rest
Give me fortune, give me health,
Give me freedom, I'll get wealth:
Who complains his fate's amiss,
When he has the wide world his?
He that has the devil in fee
Can have but all, and so have we.
Give us fortune, give us health,
Give us freedom, we'll get wealth:
In every hamlet, town, and city.
He has lands that was born witty. [Exeun
ACT THE FIFTH.
SCENE I.
A Room in BRANDINO'S House.
Enter PHILIPPA and VIOLETTA.
PHIL. How well this gentleman keeps his promise too!
Sure there's no trust in man.
Vio. They're all Franciscos,
That's my opinion, mistress; fools or false ones.
He might have had the honesty yet, i'faith,
To send my master's clothes home.
Phil. Ay, those clothes!
Vio. Colliers come by the door every day, mistress—
Nay, this is market-day too, poulterers, butchers;
They would have lain most daintily in a pannier,
And kept veal from the wind.
Phil. Those clothes much trouble me.
Vio. Faith, an he were a gentleman, as he seemed
To be, they would trouble him too, I think;
Methinks he should have small desire to keep 'em.
Phil. Faith, and less pride to wear 'em, I should think, wench.
Unless he kept 'em as a testimony
For after-times, to show what misery
He passed in his young days, and then weep over 'em.
Vio. Weep, mistress!
Nay, sure, methinks he should not weep for laughing.
Enter MARTINO.
Phil. Martino!—O, we're spoiled, wench! are they come, then?
Mar. Mistress, be of good cheer, I've excellent news for you;
Comfort your heart. What have you to breakfast, mistress?
You shall have all again, I warrant you.
Phil. What says he, wench?
Vio. I'm loth to understand him.
Mar. Give me a note of all your things, sweet mistress;
You shall not lose a hair, take't of my word;
We have him safe enough.
Phil. O, 'las, sweet wench,
This man talks fearfully
Vio. And I know not what yet:
That's the worst, mistress.
Mar. Can you ell me, pray
Whether the rascal has broke ope my desk or no?
There's a fine little barrel of pome-citrons
Would have served me this seven year: O, and my figcheese,—
The fig of everlasting obloquy
Go with him, if he have eat it! I'll make haste;
He cannot eat it all yet. He was taken, mistress,
Grossly and beastly; how do you think, i'faith?
Phil. I know not, sir.
Mar. Troth, in my master's clothes:
Would any thief but a beast been taken so?
Phil. Wench, wench!
Vio. I have grief enough of my mine own to tend, mistress.
Phil. Did he confess the robbery?
Mar. O no, no, mistress;
He's a young cunning rascal, he confessed nothing;
While we were examining on him, he took away
My master's purse and mine, but confessed nothing still.
Phil. That's but some slanderous injury raised against him.—
[Aside to VIOLETTA.
Came not your master with you?
Mar. No, sweet mistress:
I must make haste and meet him; pray, despatch me, then.
Phil. I've looked o'er all with special heedfulness;
There's nothing missed, I can assure you, sir,
But that suit of your master's.
Mar. I'm right glad on't:
That suit would hang him, yet I would not have
Him hanged in that suit though; it will disgrace
My master's fashion for ever, and make it as hateful
As yellow bands. [Exit.
Phil. O, what shall's do, wench?
Vio. 'Tis no marvel, mistress,
The poor young gentleman could not keep his promise.
Phil. Alas, sweet man, h'as confessed nothing yet, wench!
Vio. That shows his constancy and love to you, mistress:
But you must do't of force, there is no help for't,
The truth can neither shame nor hurt you much;
Let 'em make what they can on't. 'Twere sin and pity, i'faith,
To cast away so sweet a gentleman
For such a pair of infidel hose and doublet;
I'd not hang a Jew for a whole wardrobe on 'em.
Phil. Thou say'st true, wench.
Enter MARTIA, disguised as before.
Vio. O, O, they're come again, mistress!
Phil. Signior Ansaldo?
Martia. The same; mightily crossed, lady,
But, past hope, freed again by a doctor's means,
A man of art, I know not justly what indeed;
But pity, and the fortunate gold you gave me,
Wrought my release between 'em.
Phil. Met you not
My husband's man?
Martia. I took such strange ways, lady,
I hardly met a creature.
Phil. O, most welcome!
Vio. But how shall we bestow him now we have him, mistress?
Phil. Alas, that's true!
Vio. Martino may come back again.
Phil. Step you into that little chamber speedily, sir,
And dress him up in one of my gowns and headtires,
His youth will well endure it.
Vio. That will be admirable.
Phil. Nay, do't, do't quickly then, and cut that suit
Into a hundred pieces, that it may never
Be known again.
Vio. A hundred! nay, ten thousand at the least, mistress; for if
there
be a piece of that suit left as big as my nail, the deed will come out: 'tis
worse than a murder: I fear 'twill never be hid.
Phil. Away, do your endeavour, and despatch, wench.
[Exeunt VIOLETTA and MARTIA.
I've thought upon a way of certain safety,
And I may keep him while I have him too,
Without suspicion now; I've heard o' the like:
A gentleman, that for a lady's love
Was thought six months her woman, tended on her
In her own garments, and, she being a widow,
Lay night by night with her in way of comfort;
Marry, in conclusion, match they did together:
Would I'd a copy of the same conclusion!
Enter BRANDINO with a writing.
He's come himself now. If thou be'st a happy wench,
Be fortunate in thy speed! I'll delay time
With all the means I can.—O, welcome, sir!
Bran. I'll speak to you anon, wife, and kiss you shortly;
I'm very busy yet: [Reads.] "Cocksey-down, Memberry,
Her manor-house at Well-dun."
Phil. What's that, good sir?
Bran. The widow's, your sweet sister's deed of gift;
Sh'as made all her estate over to me, wench;
She'll be too hard for 'em all: and now come buss me,
Good luck after thieves' handsel.
Phil. O, 'tis happy, sir.
You have him fast,
Bran. I ha' laid him safe enough, wench.
Phil. I was so lost in joy at the report on't,
I quite forgot one thing to tell Martino,
Bran. What's that, sweet blood?
Phil. He and his villains, sir,
Robbed a sweet gentlewoman last night.
Bran. A gentlewoman?
Phil. Nay, most uncivilly and basely stripped her, sir.
Bran. O barbarous slaves!
Phil. I was even fain, for womanhood's sake,
Alas, and charity's, to receive her in,
And clothe her poor wants in a suit of mine.
Bran. 'Twas most religiously done; I long for her.
Who have I brought to see thee, think'st thou, woman?
Phil. Nay, sir, I know not.
Bran. Guess, I prithee, heartily;
An enemy of thine.
Phil. That I hope you have not, sir.
Bran. But all was done in jest: he cries thee mercy;
Francisco, sirrah.
Phil. O, I think not on him!
Bran. That letter was but writ to try thy constancy;
He confessed all to me.
Phil. Joy on him, sir!
Enter FRANCISCO.
So far am I from malice, look you, sir—
Welcome, sweet signior; but I'll ne'er trust you, sir.
Bran. Faith, I'm beholding to thee, wife, for this.
Fran. [Aside.] Methinks I enter now this house with joy,
Sweet peace, and quietness of conscience;
I wear no guilty blush upon my cheek
For a sin stamped last midnight: I can talk now,
With that kind man, and not abuse him inwardly
With any scornful thought made of his shame:
What a sweet being is an honest mind!
It speaks peace to itself and all mankind.
Re-enter MARTINO.
Bran. Martino!
Mar. Master?
Bran. There's another robbery done, sirrah,
By the same party.
Mar. What! your worship mocks,
Under correction.
Phil. I forgot to tell thee;
He robbed a lovely gentlewoman
Mar. O pagan!This fellow will be stoned to death with pipkins
Your women in the suburbs will so maul him
With broken cruises and pitchers without ears,
He'll never die alive, that's my opinion.
Re-enter MARTIA dressed as a woman, and VIOLETTA.
Phil. Look you, your judgments, gentlemen;—yours especially,
Signior Francisco, whose mere object now
Is woman at these years; that's the eye-saint, I know,
Amongst young gallants:—husband, you've a glimpse too:
You offer half an eye, as old you are.
Bran. By'r lady, better, wench: an eye and a half, I trow;
I should be sorry else.
Phil. What think you now, sirs,
Is't not a goodly, manly gentlewoman?
Bran. Beshrew my heart else, wife.—
Pray, soft a little, signior; you're but my guest, remember;
I'm master of the house, I'll have the first buss.
Phil. But, husband, 'tis the courtesy of all places
To give a stranger ever the first bit.
Bran. In woodcock or so; but there's no heed to be taken in mutton;
we
commonly fall so roundly to that, we forget ourselves.—
I'm sorry for thy fortune, but thou'rt welcome, lady.
[Kisses MARTIA.
Mar. My master kisses as I've heard a hackney-man
Cheer up his mare,—chap, chap! [Aside.
Bran. I have him fast, lady,
And he shall lie by't close.
Martia. You cannot do me
A greater pleasure, sir.
Bran. I'm happily glad on't.
Fran. Methinks there's somewhat whispers in my soul,
This is the hour I must begin my acquaintance
With honest love, and banish all loose thoughts:
My fate speaks to me from the modest eye
Of yon sweet gentlewoman. [Aside.
Phil. Wench, wench!
Vio. Pish, hold in your breath, mistress;
If you be seen to laugh, you spoil all presently:
I keep it in with all the might I have—puh!
Martia. Pray, what young gentleman's that, sir
Bran. An honest boy, i'faith,
And came of a good kind; dost like him, lady?
I would thou hadst him, an thou be'st not promised:
He's worth ten thousand dollars.
Vio. By this light, mistress,
My master will go near to make a match anon
Methinks I dream of admirable sport, mistress.
Phil. Peace! thou'rt a drab.
Bran. Come hither now, Francisco:
I've known the time I've had a better stomach;
Now I can dine with looking upon meat.
Fran. [Kissing MARTIA.] That face deserved a better fortune,
lady,
Than last night's rudeness showed.
Martia. We cannot be
Our choosers, sir, in our own destiny.
Fran. I return better pleased than when I went.
[Aside.
Mar. And could that beastly imp rob you, forsooth?
Martia. Most true, forsooth.
I will not altogether, sir, disgrace you,
Because you look half like a gentleman.
Mar. And that's the mother's half.
Martia. There's my hand for you.
Mar. I swear you could not give me anything
I love better, a hand gets me my living:
O sweet lemon-peel! [Kisses MARTIA'S hand.
Fran. May I request a modest word or two,
Lady, in private with you?
Martia. With me, sir?
Fran. To make it sure from all suspect of injury
Or unbeseeming privacy, which Heaven knows
Is not my aim now, I'll entreat this gentleman
For an ear-witness unto all our conference.
Martia. Why, so, I am content, sir.
Bran. So am I, lady.
[Exeunt MARTIA and FRANCISCO.
Mar. O master, here is a rare bedfellow
For my mistress to-night! for you know we must
Both out of town again.
Bran. That's true, Martino.
Mar. I do but think how they'll lie telling of tales together,
The prettiest!
Bran. The prettiest indeed.
Mar. Their tongues will never lin wagging, master.
Bran. Never,
Martino, never.
[Exeunt BRANDINO and MARTINO severally.
Phil. Take heed you be not heard.
Vio. I fear you most, mistress.
Phil. Me, fool! ha, ha!
Vio. Why, look you, mistress, faith, you're faulty; ha, ha!
Phil. Well said, i'faith; where lies the fault now, gossip?
Vio. O for a husband! I shall burst with laughing else;
This house is able to spoil any maid.
Phil. I'll be revenged now soundly of Francisco.
For failing me when time was.
Vio. Are you there, mistress? I thought you would not forget that,
however: a good turn disappointed is ever the last thing that a woman
forgives;
she'll scarce do't when she's speechless; nay, though she hold up her whole han
d
for all other injuries, she'll forgive that but with one finger.
Phil. I'll vex his heart as much as he mocked mine.
Vio. But that may mar your hopes too, if our gentlewoman
Be known to be a man.
Phil. Not as I'll work it;
I would not lose this sweet revenge, methinks,
For a whole fortnight of the old man's absence,
Which is the sweetest benefit next to this.—
Re-enter MARTIA.
Why, how now, sir? what course take you for laughing?
We are undone for one.
Martia. Faith, with great pain
Stifle it, and keep, it in; I ha' no receipt for't.
But, pray, in sadness, say, what is the gentleman
I never knew his like for tedious urgings,
He will receive no answer.
Phil. Would he would not, sir!
Martia. Says I'm ordained for him, merely for him,
And that his wiving fate speaks in me to him;
Will force on me a jointure speedily
Of some seven thousand dollars.
Phil. Would thou hadst 'em, sir!
I know he can an he will.
Martia. For wonder's pity,
What is this gentleman?
Phil. Faith, shall I tell you, sir?
One that would make an excellent, honest husband,
For her that's a just maid at one and twenty;
For, on my conscience, he has his maidenhead yet.
Martia. Fie, out upon him, beast!
Phil. Sir, if you love me,
Give way but to one thing I shall request of you.
Martia. Your courtesies, you know, may lay commands on me.
Phil. Then, at his next solicitings, let a consent
Seem to come from you; 'twill make noble sport, sir
We'll get jointure and all; but you must bear
Yourself most affable to all his purposes.
Martia. I can do that.
Phil. Ay, and take heed of laughing.
Martia. I've bide the worst of that already, lady.
Phil. Peace, set your countenance then, for here he comes.
Re-enter FRANCISCO.
Fran. There is no middle continent in his passion;
I feel it, since it must be love or death.
It was ordained for one. [Aside.
Phil. Signior Francisco,
I'm sorry 'twas your fortune in my house, sir,
To have so violent a stroke come to you;
The gentlewoman's a stranger; pray, be counselled, sir,
Till you hear further of her friends and portion.
Fran. 'Tis only but her love that I desire;
She comes most rich in that.
Phil. But be advised, though;
I think she's a rich heir, but see the proof, sir,
Before you make her such a generous jointure.
Fran. 'Tis mine, and I will do't.
Phil. She shall be yours too,
If I may rule her then.
Fran. You speak all sweetness.
Phil. She likes your person well; I tell you so much,
But take no note I said so.
Fran. Not a word.
Phil. Come, lady, come, the gentleman's desertful,
And, o' my conscience, honest.
Martia. Blame me not;
I am a maid, and fearful.
Fran. Never truth
Came perfecter from man.
Phil. Give her a lip-taste,
That she herself may praise it.
[FRANCISCO kisses MARTIA, and then exit with her, PHILIPPA,
and VIOLETTA.
Re-enter BRANDINO.
Bran. Yea, a match, i'faith!
My house is lucky for 'em.—
Re-enter MARTINO.
Now, Martino?
Mar. Master, the widow has the day.
Bran. The day?
Mar. Sh'as overthrown my youngster.
Bran. Precious tidings!
Clap down four woodcocks more.
Mar. They're all at hand, sir.
Bran. What, both her adversaries too?
Mar. They're come, sir.
Bran. Go, bid the cook serve in two geese in a dish.
Mar. I like your conceit; master, beyond utterance.
[Exit.
Enter VALERIA, RICARDO, and two Suitors.
Bran. Welcome, sweet sister! which is the man must have you?
I'd welcome nobody else.
1st Suit. Come to me then, sir.
Bran. Are you he, faith, my chain of gold? I'm glad on't.
Val. I wonder you can have the face to follow me,
That have so prosecuted things against me.
But I ha' resolved myself 'tis done to spite me.
Ric. O dearth of truth!
2nd Suit. Nay, do not spoil thy hair;
Hold, hold, I say; I'll get thee a widow somewhere.
Ric. If hand and faith be nothing for a contract,
What shall man hope?
2nd Suit. 'Twas wont to be enough, honey,
When there was honest meaning amongst widows:
But since your bribes came in, 'tis not allowed
A contract without gifts to bind it fast;
Everything now must have a feeling first.—
Do I come near you, widow?
Val. No, indeed, sir,
Nor ever shall, I hope:—and for your comfort, sir,
That sought all means to entrap me for my wealth,
Had law unfortunately put you upon me,
You'd lost your labour, all your aim and hopes, sir;
Here stands the honest gentleman, my brother,
To whom I've made a deed of gift of all.
Bran. Ay, that she has, i'faith; I thank her, gentlemen;
Look you here, sirs. [Shows writing.
Val. I must not look for pleasures,
That give more grief if they prove false, or fail us,
Than ever they gave joy.
1st Suit. Ha' you served me so, widow?
2nd Suit. I'm glad thou hast her not.—Laugh at him, honey; ha,
ha!
Val. I must take one that loves me for myself;
Here's an old gentleman looks not after wealth,
But virtue, manners, and conditions.
1st Suit. Yes, by my faith, I must have lordships too, widow.
Val. How, sir?
1st Suit. Your manners, virtue, and conditions, widow,
Are pretty things within doors, I like well on 'em;
But I must have somewhat without, lying or being
In the tenure or occupation of master such a one, ha!
Those are fine things indeed.
Val. Why, sir, you swore to me it was for love.
1st Suit. True; but there's two words to a bargain ever,
All the world over; and, if love be one,
I'm sure money's the other; 'tis no bargain else:
Pardon me, I must dine as well as sup, widow.
Val. Cry mercy, I mistook you all this while, sir;
It was this ancient gentleman indeed,
Whom I crave pardon on.
2nd Suit. What of me, widow?
Val. Alas, I've wronged you, sir! 'twas you that swore
You loved me for myself.
2nd Suit. By my troth, but I did not;
Come, father not your lies upon me, widow:
I love you for yourself!—Spit at me, gentlemen,
If ever I'd such a thought.—Fetch me in, widow!
You'll find your reach too short. Val. Why, you've enough, you say.
2nd Suit. Ay, but I'll have
My humour too; you never think of that;
They're coach-horses, they go together still.
Val. Whom should a widow trust? I'll swear 'twas one of you
That made me believe so.—Mass, think 'twas you, sir,
Now I remember me.
Ric. I swore too much,
To be believed so little.
Val. Was it you then?
Beshrew my heart for wronging of you!
Ric. Welcome blessing!
Are you mine faithfully now?
Val. As love can make one.
1st Suit. Why, this fills the commonwealth so full of beggars,
Marrying for love, which none of mine shall do.
Val. But, now I think on't, we must part again. sir.
Ric. Again!
Val. You're in debt, and I, in doubt of all,
Left myself nothing too; we must not hold;
Want on both sides makes all affection cold.
I shall not keep you from that gentleman;
You'll be his more than mine; and, when he list,
He'll make you lie from me in some sour prison;
Then let him take you now for altogether, sir,
For he that's mine shall be all mine, nor nothing.
Ric. I never felt the evil of my debts
Till this afflicting minute.
2nd Suit. I'll be mad
Once in my days: I have enough to cure me,
And I will have my humour; they are now
But desperate debts again, I ne'er look for 'em:
And ever since I knew what malice was,
I always held it sweeter to sow mischief
Than to receive money; 'tis the finer pleasure.
I'll give him in his bonds, as 'twere in pity,
To make the match, and bring 'em both to beggary:
Then will they ne'er agree, that's a sure point;
He'll give her a black eye within these three days,
Beat half her teeth out by All-hallowtide,
And break the little household stuff theyhave
With throwing at one another: O sweet sport!—
[Aside.
Come, widow, come, I'll try your honesty:
Here to my honey you've made many proffers,
I fear they're all but tricks.—Here are his debts, gentlemen; [Shows
bonds.
How I came by 'em I know best myself.—
Take him before us faithfully for your husband,
And he shall tear 'em all before your face, widow.
Val. Else may all faith refuse me!
2nd Suit. Tear 'em, honey;
'Tis firm in law, a consideration given:
[RICARDO tears the bonds.
What, with thy teeth? thou'lt shortly tear her so,
That's all my hope, thou'dst never had 'em else:
I have enough, and I will have my humour.
Ric. I'm now at liberty, widow.
Val. I'll be so too,
And then I come to thee.—Give me this from you, brother. [Takes the
writing.
Bran. Hold, sister, sister!
Val. Look you, the deed of gift, sir; I'm as free:
He that has me has all, and thou art he.
Both Suit. How's that?
Val. You're bobbed; 'twas but a deed in trust,—
And all to prove thee, whom I've found most just.
Bran. I'm bobbed among the rest too; I'd have sworn
'T had been a thing for me and my heirs for ever;
If I'd but got it up to the black box above,
It had been past redemption.
1st Suit. How am I cheated!
2nd Suit. I hope you'll have the conscience now to pay me, sir.
Ric. O wicked man, sower of strife and envy,
Open not thy lips!
2nd Suit. How, how's this?
Ric. Thou has no charge at all, no child of thine own,
But two thou gott'st once of a scouring-woman,
And they're both well provided for, they're i' the Hospital:
Thou hast ten thousand pound to bury thee;
Hang thyself when thou wild, a slave go with thee:
2nd Suit. I'm gone, my goodness comes all out together:
I have enough, but I have not my humour. [Exit.
Re-enter VIOLETTA.
Vio. O master, gentlemen, and you, sweet widow,—
I think you are no forwarder, yet I know not,—
If ever you be sure to laugh again
Now is the time!
Val. Why, what's the matter, wench?
Vio. Ha, ha, ha!
Bran. Speak, speak.
Vio. Ha!—a marriage,
A marriage; I cannot tell't for laughing—ha, ha!
Bran. A marriage? do you make that a laughing matter?
Vio. Ha!—ay, and you'll make it so when you know all.
Here they come, here they come, one man married to another!
Val. How! man to man!
Vio. Ay, man to man, i'faith;
There'll be good sport at night to bring 'em both to bed:
Re-enter MARTIA, PHILIPPA, and FRANCISCO.
Do you see 'em now? ha, ha, ha!
1st Suit. My daughter Martia!
Martia. O my father! your love and pardon, sir
Val. 'Tis she indeed, gentlemen.
Martia. I have been disobedient, I confess,
Unto your mind, and Heaven has punished me
With much affliction since I fled your sight;
But finding reconcilement from above
In peace of heart, the next I hope's your love.
1st Suit. I cannot but forgive thee now I see thee,
Thou fled'st a happy fortune of an old man.
But Francisco's of a noble family,
Though he be somewhat spent.
Fran. I loved her not, sir,
As she was yours, for I protest I knew't not,
But for herself, sir, and her own deservings,
Which, had you been as foul as you've been spiteful,
I should have loved in her.
1st Suit. Well, hold your prating, sir;
You are not like to lose by't.
Phil. O Violetta,
Who shall laugh at us now?
Vio. The child unborn, mistress.
Martia. Be good.
Fran. Be honest.
Martia. Heaven will not let you sin, an you'd be careful.
Fran. What means it sends to help you, think, and mend,
You're as much bound as we to praise that friend.
Phil. I am so, and I will so.
Martia. Marry you speedily;
Children tame you, you'll die like a wild beast else.
Vio. Ay, by my troth, should I. I've much ado
To forbear laughing now, more's my hard fortune.
Re-enter MARTINO.
Mar. O master, mistress, and you gentles all,
To horse, to horse, presently, if you mean to do
Your country any service!
Bran. Art not ashamed, Martino, to talk of horsing
So openly before young married couples thus?
Mar. It does concern the commonwealth, and me,
And you, master, and all: the thieves are taken.
Martia. What say'st, Martino?
Mar. La, here's commonwealth's-men!
The man of art, master, that cupped your eyes
Is proved an arrant rascal; and his man,
That drew my tooth, an excellent purse-drawer—
I felt no pain in that, it went insensibly—
Such notable villanies confessed!—
Bran. Stop there, sir;
We will have time for them.—Come, gentlefolks,
Take a slight meal with us: but the best cheer
Is perfect joy, and that we wish all here.
Ric. Stay, stay, sir; I'm as hungry of my widow
As you can be upon your maid, believe it;
But we must come to our desires in order;
There's duties to be paid ere we go further.—
[Speaking the rest as an Epilogue.
He that without your likings leaves this place,
Is like one falls to meat and forgets grace;
And that's not handsome, trust me, no:
Our rights being paid, and your loves understood,
My widow and my meat then does me good.—
I ha' no money, wench, I told thee true,—
For my report, pray let her hear't from you. [Exeunt.
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