Poetry Explorer- Classic Contemporary Poetry, THE EDITOR'S CRIME, by JOHN GODFREY SAXE


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Classic and Contemporary Poetry

THE EDITOR'S CRIME, by                     Poet's Biography
First Line: With a gloomy air
Last Line: Of taking a nap in your sanctum chair!
Subject(s): Editors


WITH a gloomy air,
And a dreamy stare,
An Editor sits in his sanctum-chair,
Musing like one in trouble or doubt;
And what do you think he is thinking about?

"I'm sorely afraid
This wearisome trade
Will waste me away to the veriest shade;
And force me, perhaps, -- but that can not be --
A murder's a horrible crime!" said he.

"I never shirk
Editorial work,
Nor mind the libel that in it may lurk;
Miscellaneous matter is easy to choose;
But the News! -- the News! -- they will have News!

"A leader to write
Or a tale to indite,
Is easy as lying -- that is n't the 'bite';
All wholesome reading the public refuse;
'T is 'News!' -- 'News!' -- 'NEWS!' -- they will have News!

"That's not the worst,
My paper is curs'd,
Unless it is crammed, till it's ready to burst,
With doings at which humanity quails, --
Rapes, Riots, and Murders, with all the details!

"A bloodless row,
Or a five-legged cow,
Is quite too tame for an item now;
'News,' -- 'News,' -- 'NEWS!' -- is still the song,
And then they will have it so horribly strong!

"'T was but t' other day
I heard a man say,
He wa'n't to be done in so shabby a way, --
For, of all the crimes my paper could boast,
The worst, for a month, was a 'MURDER! -- almost.'

"Ah! malheureux!
'T is true! -- 't is true!
But what the deuce can an Editor do?
If crimes won't happen, they don't suppose
I'm going to make 'em? -- (Ha! ha! -- who knows?)

"I will -- I won't --
I dare -- I don't! --
I tremble to think I am thinking upon 't!"
The blackest of frowns is clouding his brow, --
Oh, what is the Editor muttering now?

On the following day,
In a flaming way,
The Pepperville Post was "shocked to say,
Our slumbering city was roused last night
By a startling sound, and a horrible sight!

"DIABOLICAL CRIME!
Last night, -- sometime, --
Not far from the stroke of the midnight chime,
By some person unknown, with a pistol or gun,
A most unnatural MURDER WAS DONE

"On Jonathan Brown! --
While walking down
The principal street of our beautiful town, --
A citizen held in the highest regard;
And the Mayor should offer a handsome reward

"For the infamous wretch,
That the rascal may stretch
The best bit of rope in the hands of Jack Ketch!
Post scriptum. A chap has been lurking about
Whom nobody knows, -- the assassin, no doubt.

"STILL LATER! 'T is said
That the murderous lead
Had a conical shape, and went quite through the head:
Of our wide-awake journal we don't wish to boast,
But no Pepperville print has the news, but the POST!"

I grieve to tell
Suspicion fell
On the man who had told the story so well!
Namely, the Editor! -- none but he
Knew aught of the case, -- who else could it be?

On looking around,
A bullet was found
(Of a conical shape) not far from the ground
Whereon it was known the murder was done, --
A bullet that fitted the Editor's gun!

'T is sad to relate
How the merciless State
Doomed him to suffer a murderer's fate;
And how on the gallows the wicked Editor
Died, -- lamented by many a creditor!

But I'm glad to say
It was told, that day,
Such things are out of the usual way,
And, to the honor of all the corps,
Never was Editor hanged before!

FIRST MORAL.

Don't edit a journal!
(That is, a diurnal,)
The labors and dangers are really infernal;
And will drive you, at last, to some folly or other;
Perhaps to the fate of your Pepperville brother!

SECOND MORAL.

If you choose to regard
Such advice as too hard,
And will edit a Daily, in spite of the bard,
Go to Babylon, -- where, in the dullest of times,
You won't have occasion to do your own "Crimes!"

THIRD MORAL.

If you must have a bite
At eleven at night,
Don't eat lobster-salad, but take something light;
Or, -- crede experto, -- you'd better beware
Of taking a nap in your sanctum chair!





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